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The Fork Elite

Posted by starkuss

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Every fork I've ever used has had one of the middle tines bent outwards. Every fork of every material and country of origin, of all brands. 
I introduce to you this diagram:
Tine-Hole diagram
Picture these as holes that the tines would make if a fork were stabbed through your screen. Ideally, it would create four equally spaced holes.
However, this is simply not the case.
It seems that the tine configuration is always anything BUT this ideal: take, for instance, the following common arrangements:
Tine-Hole diagram 2; utterly fucked.
or
Tine-Hole diagram 2; SUPREMELY fucked.
The fact is, there are any number of random patterns the tines can fall into. The general public may write this off as a simple error - maybe the forks were bumped in transport, or some idiot employee dropped a batch during manufacturing. These are all one-off incidents though. See, think about what the odds are that every single fork manufacturer has fucked up in the exact same manner. I'll save you the time: the odds are PRETTY SLIM.

After years of careful thought and consideration I have narrowed down the possible options and have concluded the only rational explanation: every fork dealer is part of one monopolised cutlery conglomerate manufacturing web. They thought they could pull the wool over everyone's eyes, but the morons all use the same mold for the head of the fork because, as we know, capitalists are lazy and will stifle innovation at every available opportunity.

As far as I can tell there has been no other research conducted on this phenomenon anywhere else online. I can only imagine the truth has been stifled and suffocated within the grip of big business. They have long fronted this false utopia where anyone can sell their own cutlery in a booming market but this couldn't be further from the truth. The time has come to wield their tools against them, my friends.

For all the non-believers and skeptics out there, I understand how difficult it is having your worldview so utterly shaken: I ask you to conduct a simple test.
Often the differences in the tines are too small to notice with your eyes; your teeth, however, are much more sensitive to the small differences that are present in these forks. If you bite on the end of your fork - lightly, at first, before increasing the pressure - the truth will be made clear. I implore all readers, try this at home. Go to your drawer right now and check your forks.


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Reply by Clarice

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I checked my fork.....it's true.


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Reply by clayton

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my plans for the day didn't include discovering a myspace clone and reading a creepypasta about a high fork society but here i am.


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Reply by Katie

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You know what kudos for coming up with a conspiracy that is awesome but in no way harmful or toxic or racist. I'll be supporting this purely for that


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Reply by ☂AmericanTeeth☂

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oh my :0 this is incredible 


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Reply by Slug✨

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this is amazing. please post more things like this


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Reply by sorrel

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but do the forks come like that, or is it possible that the middle tines are just the ones we bite the most, leading them to move out of place over time? think about it, when you eat penne pasta you don't stab it with the outer tines.


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Reply by Noah

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... Please do more of these


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Reply by Vee

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i am convinced. thank you, emma from lamezone for enlightening me


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Reply by Mandy

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I'm enlightened by this information, thank you.
Perhaps the angles of the bends contain information? Is every fork a sigil, holding within some kind of spell? Are there factories mass-producing malign enchanted cutlery that we foolishly welcome into our homes? Is spoon-bending a psy-op to take our attention away from the real magical silverware?!
Much to think about...


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Reply by Lydia Bea KittyCat

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forked up


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Reply by Junky Punky Patrick

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This is the best kind of conspiracy bc we cant prove it wrong 


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Reply by Tesla Simms

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I am enlightened by this....thank you. Thank you so much. 


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Reply by Åndi [Hobbit]

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Hmmmmm...


Well. I'm stumped. I guess I'm part of this fork conspiracy. I've bought in.


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Reply by Fauxy

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I thought this said the fork lift elite lmao


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Reply by Lyric Terror

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Personally, I blame the drawer elves. 


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Reply by Stella

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Forking borked forks.


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Reply by Britnini

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Well

Now I’m scared 


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Reply by Ratz🐀

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I for one support this 


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Reply by Ratz🐀

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I for one support this 


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Reply by Dungeonation

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This is the best forum post I’ve seen on here so far


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Reply by zrcalo

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it's a conspiracy I TELL YOU.
*grabs a box of plastic forks and dumps it out the window on unsuspecting neighbors who are trying to weed the back of the apartment complex*


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Reply by BlackStatic

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huh, i checked my cutlery drawer and they were mostly even. maybe OP is experiencing a mandela effect?

a fork... in the tine line...


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Reply by zrcalo

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A FORK.... IN THE TIMELINE........




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