🎲 Corrupt A Wish

[News Anchor:] This just in: NASA reports that the Earth is now orbiting in a dangerously closer orbit around the sun and it only appears to be getting worse. Even now in late December, parts of northern Canada and even Siberia are reporting record highs above 53*C. Scientists predict that all life will be either extinguished or deep underground by the year 2024. 

I wish there was no more violence in the world.

Everyone just mouths off with no sense of dignity, decorum or decency with absolutely no fear of reprisal making public life incredibly uncomfortable.
Also people can just take your shit no matter how hard you worked for it.

I wish it was impossible for food to make you fat.

Food makes you uglier instead. 

I wish I had a billion dollars. 

World falls into Weimar republic level inflation.


I wish i was emperor of mankind.

The people rise up and overthrow you.

I wish I knew how to meet people in real life.

You meet lots of people in real life! So many people that you're constantly being called to hang out, to social gatherings, and to help with favors and problems. You never have any alone time anymore and no time to get anything done at home. But if you decide to take time for yourself, all your new friends will then shame you for being selfish and spread rumors about it.

I wish I had the ability to turn invisible

Then light would pass through your retinas and you'd be effectively blind.

I wish I  had the body of a twenty one year old.

You have the body of a 21-year-old but drinking alcohol turns you inside out. 

I wish I could remove my brain and blow the dust out of it like an N64 cartrdige. 

When you blow the dust out of your brain it is now nice and clean and runs highly efficiently, but in losing the dust you inadvertently also lost all your memories, so you have to start your life over again from mental infancy.

I wish I was always happy.

You are happily squished under an oncoming bus, enthralled with rapture by the experience.

I wish humans remembered the good things better than the bad ones. :)

Humans remember the good things so much better than the bad ones that no one ever learns any lessons from the past and society falls apart all over again... (wait, that sounds a little too real)

I wish cookies didn't make you fat.

Cookies don't make you fat but still cause all the other unhealthy side effects on your body

I wish things didn't cost money

Things don't cost money anymore, but you have to barter in fingernail clippings and earwax instead. 

I wish I could learn to skateboard. 

You learn to skateboard.  You fall off and break a bone.

I wish people weren't such jerks.

People are no longer jerks. Instead, they lethargically go about their day with hollow eyes, apologizing for any inconvenience and slowly but sincerely try to accommodate others with what little energy they have. Its as if people are barely alive, even soulless.

I wish I wasn't allergic to dogs and cats.

Someone invents a pill for that, but the side effects cause you to become allergic to grass and sunshine instead. 

I wish I could talk to my cats. 

You find out just what your cats think of you and your soul is crushed.

I wish staying in shape was easier.

You find an easy way to stay in shape, but the shape happens to be a square!

I wish I had a personal chef. 

Your personal chef is the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and he gets everything wrong.  Bork bork bork.

I wish it wouldn't rain for the next few days.

Gas prices plummet after an unexplained global EMP disables all modern vehicles, manufacturing plants, and more.

I wish cheese puffs never went stale.

The time distortion originally found only on snack foods expands to slow time to the point life as we know it ceases to exist.

I wish someone would invent the matter transporter.

Someone invents a matter transporter and uses it to transport a bunch of dog poop to your living room.

I wish I could get a normal night's sleep.

You sleep through the night at the cost of always sleeping in late

I wish I had night vision

You have excellent vision at night, but are now so sensitive to daylight that even dawn and dusk are too bright for you to manage opening your eyes without pain.

I wish political opponents would stop assassinating each others' characters and actually talk about real issues.

Political opponents start talking about real issues, and you realize that you can't stand to vote for either one.

(Gray, too real, I've had people tell me they wish they were light sleepers like me so they wouldn't oversleep)

I wish I had some kind of teleportation device, so I could visit friends all around the world.

the leaves eventually gain complete control and conquer the world

I wish I was taller

Someone steals your idea and turns it into a major hit song.

I wish I wasn't going to have to stay so late at work tomorrow.

You no longer have to stay late, as you have been fired.

I wish I wasn't so stressed out about school.

You smoke a bowl to de-stress, are caught and expelled.

I wish I would sleep a little better :P

You go into a coma.

I wish my house would de-clutter itself.

You get sick from the amount of dust that goes into the air amidst all the cleaning

I wish it was warmer already 

It gets warmer sooner, but now it stays warmer all year round. Longer summers and shorter winters.

I wish I could rememebr every dream I had

(I know it wasn't mine, but longer summers and shorter winters would not be a corruption if that were my wish... although I probably wouldn't want summer any hotter than it already is here, just longer)

You remember every dream you've ever had, including the horrifying disturbing nightmares.

Hmm... since I just mentioned this in the last survey... I wish that my cute pen pal from my late teens remembered me when I tracked her down 20ish years later.

20 years later, she's still cute, but thinks you run like a duck. 

I wish I could meet someone famous that I haven't already met. 

Your biggest celebrity crush is Witness #3 at your hugely public murder trial.

I wish humans had an off-switch for pain.  :P

People suddenly have the ability to turn off the sensation of pain, but find out they can't turn it back on. Now, people are suffering from injuries all the time including burns, lacerations, and accidental amputations.

I could read three books at the same time.

You read three books at the same time.  You eventually get bored, and now you wish you could read four books at the same time.

I wish I had more friends who lived closer to my house.

All the walls of your house turn to glass and you have no privacy whatsoever.

I wish I was better at Scrabble.

No one wants to play you anymore because you win every single game you play

I wish my heating bill was lower

Your heater breaks and it's cold all the time.

I wish I got along better with people.

You constantly get attention now and never have any alone time anymore.

I wish I was good at math

You are good at math.  Now you understand how so many people are ruining their lives making poor financial decisions, and you are sad all the time because you are powerless to stop them.  You're also lonely and feeling left out because you can't in good conscience participate in your friends' bad decisions.

I wish it wasn't going to rain tonight.

Your wish is heard and granted by a Being who interprets 'tonight' as 100,000 years; the Earth dries up and dies.

I wish my hair would stay in place.

Your hair falls out and stays on the ground.  The ground is a place.

I wish middle school students weren't so loud.

Sign language has become the new middle school trend, which you now have to learn to communicate with them...

I wish money grew on trees. 

Money grows on trees.  Those trees give off so much pollen that you sneeze any time you come close to money.

I wish I didn't get so tired all the time.

You are never tired so now you struggle to sleep every night.

I wish I could have flawless skin

You have flawlessly scaly reptile skin.

I wish I could go the rest of 2023 without getting sick.

You can, but it involves taking so much Vitamin C that you turn orange as a Cheeto. 

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted. 

You already can eat whatever you want, technically.  So you eat some yummy toxic waste and mutate and grow a third foot coming out of your forehead.

I wish I could talk to people in loud crowded rooms without having to scream.