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*Between Limbo And Lunacy*
My days almost always play out this familiar theme. I wake up but then attempt to nap as many hours into that day as if in a waking nightmare determined to sleep through. I finally force myself out of bed. I struggle into my living room for a smoke. In a chilling sweat, i view my phone messages while nervously lighting that first cigarette before venturing downstairs to also check my mail. The key turns along with my stomach contents with the mail quietly menacing. In a frenzy, I rip open the envelope prepared for the worst. In a spell of blessed relief, I then stagger back upstairs and then attempt to mask my nerves with another cigarette. I hear my next door neighbours (less than subtle) movements and so I muffle my ears while the much sought after silence is now spoken for. With my heart in my mouth, shallow -breathing and (without fail) my paranoia. Unknowing to whether he plans on knocking at my door and with any excuse to gain entrance -which only serves to deepen the confusion of whether this is an actual neighbour moving in or the FBI monitoring me first hand. But while the sharks continue to circle, it keeps them from "biting" for the moment (which provides little comfort either way). And although unwelcome, I receive a message on my phone. It's from my nephew asking if everything is okay, and so I give a convincing "yeah I'm fine mate" when I couldn't be further from "fine". Another thud from next door as well as in my chest peaks that all too familiar paranoia and so plays through this torment. Questioning why I can only hear him but can never see him. What's he up to ? What is he planning, what the hell does he want and so forth round and around in my head. Suddenly, and as if to break the short spell of silence between, my sister telephones me and so, in an almost rabid -response to the startling tone, "I answer the call, but to question the caller" in an overly erratic fashion as if to interrogate, at least in place of panic. Finally, and from the onset of mental exhaustion, I hastily gather the scurrying remains of fleeted feeling in an attempt to dash through each minute as to race through every hour, and to (whenever possible) sleep through each day while tomorrow, I'll be experiencing the same things and stressing over the same shit as days reached out for, as well as "in days reaching" in a continual loop of forced events that'll no doubt reset themselves again and again and again until this un-relenting terror finally takes its toll and me along with it, while I'm barely breathing but struggling all the same. There has to be a breaking point, and dear God am I nearing it ...
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