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All right, so it's like this. I always hear people complaining about how they either don't know what to eat or that food is too expensive, boo hoo, I spend so much money on food.
That's because you're a Communist fool. But more on that later. The trick is of course, home cooking.
"But Uncle Argent, I don't know how to cook."
See: Communist fool. Communism is a failed ideology that means you don't have any food. Luckily, I am assuming that everybody on this website has at least $20 they can spare. Since you have Internet access and a computer or phone I am assuming this is a given. So what I, in my infinite wisdom, am going to teach you is how to eat like a goddamn King for chump change.
1) 2 lbs of chicken breasts. You're poor, so you're not getting the good crap - get the cheapest breasts you can find. The stuff on Amazon is $14 bucks but that's too rich for our blood. Walmart brand is like 7 bucks-ish, so you're gonna get that.
2) Goya veggies. 2 bucks for 2 pounds. Holy crap. This is amazing. this is your new GOD. Buy this. Buy 2. 4 bucks whatever.
3a) HOLY SHIT HOLD ON TO SOMETHING I AM GIVING YOU A CHOICE. That's right a choice, depending on whether you can find it. If you CAN, get Ramen. Not cup of soup, Ramen. Maruchan if you can, the 24-box. Like 6 bucks. Get that.
3b) Okay, so maybe you know something about how terrible MSG is for you, or you don't have Maruchan ramen, or maybe you don't like making decisions and are just reading down the list. Whatever, I won't judge you. Unless you're a Communist. Anyway, if you can't do that, get rice. 2 lbs is 4 bucks. There's cheaper stuff but we don't want our food to taste like nasty ass, so get that.
Note: So, a PROTIP: shoot rockets at it until okay, obviously the more "in bulk" you buy, the cheaper it is. You can even upgrade the quality that way. But I'm assuming all you have is $20 to your name.
4) Salt and pepper. 2 bucks. Okay, at this point, we've crossed the $20 dollar line. Technically, we crossed it earlier, because the parasites are going to charge us fake things like taxes and service fees and alms for the poor. Which, considering you're poor, would come in handy. Oh well. Anyway, if you have $20, you have 22, whatever. Or just get cheaper stuff, I dunno, I'm not your dad. Unless I am, in which case, sorry for deporting your mom. ANYWAY. This step is unnecessary if you picked option 3A, because you're gonna have all the salt you need from the "flavor packet."
5) Living the high life. If you have money left over, ketchup. Everything is more palatable with ketchup. If you're a Communist who doesn't like ketchup, I dunno, consider poison. Nah, just kidding. Get sauces, but simple is best. Again, if you have ramen, don't bother.
All right, now for the recipe. And pay attention, this gets tricky.
1) Take your metal thing and put it on the flame. Add oil. If you don't have oil, just add a TINY bit of water. Once the thing heats up, toss in the chicken. Cook until it starts to change color slightly. Mix it around so that it doesn't burn.
2) Dump in the veggies. Mix thoroughly and cook until the chicken turns brown, but not crispy.
3B) If you picked the rice, good for you, it was the correct choice. Dump it in until it covers the chicken completely. Add salt and pepper to taste - if you're doing all 2 lbs of chicken, maybe 1/2 a teaspoon. I prefer less salt because I am amazing, but you might not have hypertension, so add how you like it. If you're gonna be adding salty sauces like ketchup, obviously add less.
4) Add water until it just barely covers the rice. Lower the flame to half of what it was, cover it with a lid, and let it evaporate. Poke it with a stick or something. When the water is gone, turn it off. Serve and enjoy.
Altogether, you're looking at somewhere around the 5k-6k calorie range, which is enough eating for 2-3 days depending. It's got all the nutrients and vitamins you need, maybe, so dig in.
Ramen: So if you're gonna do ramen, the recipe is somewhat similar. You're gonna slightly undercook the ramen first. NOT ALL OF IT! For 2 lbs of chicken, maybe like... 8 bags? Depends on how you wanna do this. If you can't cook ramen, I dunno, you shouldn't be cooking by yourself. Get an adult or someone not developmentally challenged to help you. Anyway, once the ramen is slightly undercooked, you follow steps 1 and 2, but let the chicken cook almost completely through. Then you're gonna toss in the ramen, and like one or two flavor packets at most, otherwise you'll want to die or might actually die from a heart attack. You're gonna get less calories with this, so it's objectively the worse choice.
ALL RIGHT. That's it. Enjoy your food in your hovel, you filthy animal, and remember, if you see a Communist tell the local authorities.
Oh and do tell if you want more recipes like this one.
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