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Relationship advice for anyone

Hey, how are you doing? I'm 31 years old and been in a good bit of relationships.  I feel like some of my experiences can be good wisdom for those who may need it. This advice can work for any gender, age, orientation.


Never love someone more than you love yourself.  No, this isn't stingy advice, when you love yourself, you'll have more confidence in yourself, you'll know your worth, you won't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do for the sake of "love". Low self esteem is something I've struggled with most of my life, and it made me not love myself. As a result, I've been in mentally abusive relationships constantly, because I felt that I wasn't worth anything better. Also, if you love yourself more than the person you're with, if that person leaves you, it won't hurt as much, in some cases you can just shrug it off.  It also makes it so you can leave a toxic relationship easier.  I'll probably do a post about toxic relationships after this.

REMEMBER: THIS IS VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT.  NO ONE is worth you commiting suicide over.  You may feel that that person is the love of your life, and you can't live without them, yes, you can. Trust me. Fuck them. A friend of mine in high school was going to kill himself over this girl we were friends with (he even showed me the note he had wrote). This was back in 2005, he ended up dating another girl shortly after. They just got married back in 2018.  He could have prevented himself from having a marriage and a 13+ year relationship.  Shortly after I turned 30 (I'm currently 31, i'll be 32 in March), I had a failed suicide attempt, over this guy I don't even talk to anymore.  I'm now engaged with an adorable one month old baby boy.  That failed relationship you just had? That person that don't want to be with you...It's okay, there's something better for you waiting.

Take care of yourself <3


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Reply by DevCam

posted

Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you and yeah, it seems like you’ve had a loooot more experience in different relationships than I do and I’m 25. I’m happy that things are going well for you and your new born! You very much deserve happiness with someone in your life. 


I guess for me, there is someone that I have grown very fond of recently. Keeping it short, she and I went to high school together. We met at a bonfire and we got to know each other more as friends through Facebook. At the time, she developed a crush on me but I was already interested in someone else before I met her. I basically told her that I’m sorry but I have someone else who I like otherwise if I had met you first I would like to date you. I eventually asked my crush out and we dated for a short time ( it’s high school so 3 months don’t mean a lot). By then, I already decided to join the military and I didn’t want her to wait for me or anything because I could be sent anywhere. We haven’t talked for years after that. 

Middle of last year, she hit me up randomly about something that we use to talk about from high school. We got to catch up a bit and kinda relearn one another since so many years have passed. Eventually later on we both have grown to fancy each other and I admitted my feelings to her. She said that she felt the same way but because of long distance, she thought it would be better if we meet up in person first before considering being a couple which I can understand and agree to it. I would send her gifts for the holidays, deliver food to her and whatnot which she really appreciates a lot because she likes being sent gifts. Giving things to the person I like and care about is part of my love language next to poetry and giving reassurance which I did a lot for her. 

However, in the last month, things felt different. The spark that we once had didn’t feel like how it use to between us. She wouldn’t talk to me as much as she use to. We never got into an argument or anything, it just felt like as if perhaps she got tiresome of me. I finally asked her about it and she says she’s got a lot going on with family and work schedule which I understood. But it still feels to me there could be something else. I mean we got to talk like normal today and even introduced me to this new site which I like because it feels nostalgic. I still feel like maybe she could be overwhelmed with all I’ve given her or something, or maybe she’s seeking something else that I’m not providing to her. I really care about her but sometimes, especially at night, I feel this ache in my heart that maybe she’s lost interest in me which I’ve kinda grown use to from other women before. I think I just don’t know how to hold back whenever I have feelings for someone and it makes me predictable. 

I’m hoping that you would maybe give me some guidance on what I should do or expect. I appreciate any advice you give me! Hope you have a lovely evening! 


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Reply by Vascgirl

posted

Hi Devcam,


She may have tired of long distance.  If she changes behavior that is a clue.  Its easier to let someone online go as opposed to a real interaction.  You sound like a nice guy and I am sure you will find a girl. 


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Reply by umbrykane

posted
updated

As Vascgirl said, it's possibly the long distance, I've been in a few LD relationships and they are really hard to keep strong; even if you've met them IRL, or knew them IRL before going long distance it's still tough. The longing to have someone there physically to have and hold takes a toll emotionally.  From personal experience, even in a LD relationship, if you found someone actually there that you start to care for, it can pretty much kill the LD relationship if it's not strong enough.


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Reply by DevCam

posted

Thank you for the responses! I think both of y’all may be right. Even now as she’s going through hard times, there’s nothing I can do for her on my end besides just listen. She said before that she wishes I was there to hold her and tell her things will be fine. Long distance is truly difficult especially with me being in the military. The good thing is that I’m leaving the military soon and I’m trying to finish my last couple of years hopefully being stationed back home. We’ll see how that goes though. I really do care about her and I don’t want to give up but it’s better if I was to try to start talking to her again when I’m back home officially. For now I’ll just stay friends with her and whatever comes both our ways will happen when they’re suppose to. 


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Reply by Kato

posted

100%, umbrykane. I would hazard to say that you get what you put into it, but also to recognize when you're the only one doing any heavy lifting. If the other person isn't willing to put in the same amount of work you are, then that's a red flag. Ultimately, it comes back to what my granddad said when I was a kid -- "Love is like a fart, kid. If you gotta force it, it's probably shit."

And DevCam, it sounds like you've got the right mindset in all this. Stay friends and see what happens once you've got that DD-214 in your pocket. :) I'm wishing you the best of luck, pal.


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Reply by Raymond

posted

Always love yourself first before any other person..


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Reply by 𝐿𝒾𝓋𝒾𝑒❁

posted

Don't waste ANY time buiding with someone who doesn't treat you how YOU feel like you should be treated or doesnt do the things you would want your partner to do for you and the relationship. It is so not likely you could change a person in anyway. I promise there is someone out there who will be EVERYTHING that you're looking for without having to push but you'll never find them if youre stuck in a relationship and have settled for less than what you want. Be picky its the only way you'll find the right one. Coming from someone who will soon hit 4 years with their partner.


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Reply by quinny <3

posted

hi : ) my partner and i were together for over a year. he did a lot of stuff that was really fucked up (ex; having me do sexual things i said no to, saying his bipolar disorder made him want to manipulate me, not being able to control his temper and yelling at me/my friends , and quite a lot more lol.) this shit has stuck with me for so long. i cannot let it go, and yet i still love him? and i hate that i do, and i wish i could move on but i don't know how to. he's currently away at a boarding school for shitty behavior (though he claims he's there "because of lies" lol). i'm doing better than i was, but i'm afraid when he comes back i'm going to get sucked right back into a relationship with him. i know if he were to ask me to i'd say yes. i hate everything he's done and i'm getting fucking emotional typing this out and i still love him and i don't know why. i ended things off on good terms and i feel like blocking him would be a mean thing to do but i dont know what to do. i dont want to spiral when he comes back. i feel so much guilt over not being able to move on from what happened because i KNOW he at least put an effort in to change. i wish this was easier. hopefully i can get your opinion, but its totally fine if not. im sorry if this is overwhelming. i'm just lost


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Reply by mary!!!

posted

seeking advice from people who understand debilitating social anxiety :/


basically i like this guy that i met a few months ago- my best friend and i joined his friend group through another mutual friend. weve been pretty good friends this whole time and this guy is a musician so my best friend and i go to all his concerts.
the problem is that (1) my best friend has a crush on him too and we both decided not to pursue anything because we value our friendship over boys and (2) even if i felt morally confortable pursuing, i dont feel emotionally comfortable at all with being honest about my feelings. Ive always had super bad anxiety and trust issues so how would i even go about telling him anything

when me and this guy spend time together we listen to both of our music and we talk about it forever and we talk about the future and our troubles with our moms and the way his town has a specific vibe that we always make fun of. when i see a funny post i always put it on my instagram story because i know hes always on insta so i know hell see it. whenever he puts a song on his story i listen to it. i love the way his oufits give old man energy and the way hes so committed to his music. when something weird happens i always want to tell him.

most of all, i think i might be okay telling him about what makes me sad, which is something i rarely feel with anyone.

tldr; i agreed to not take action on a guy i like but i like really really like him so like wtf


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Reply by rosebyrne

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Reply by Jeff Nickson

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The last man I confided in, I learned I had been cheated on. Although I'd always been honest about my relationships, I was hesitant to do so this time. I had to go far to get there. And when I'd finally decided. He had cheated on me all along, they informed me here . I believe that moving forward, whenever I am in another relationship, I will consider how to catch a cheating boyfriend.


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Reply by sweet16teen

posted

this is reassuring to read <3 thanks


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Reply by shanlei_

posted

Communication 


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Reply by Kylone

posted

ngl im mixed between my own feelings too, i got this one girl i have been talking to her for 3 months my biggest mistake was acting too friendly around her as in acting more like a friend rather then someone who is potentially interested in her. Since realizing this mistake i have been pushing forward the idea of me being interested but not being too pushy since school ended we have been talking less and less so, i talked to her about it and just to say i havent proposed or anything yet, so to her im just a "friend" so i asked her about it and she ended up saying summer is the only time she has for herself and she likes to just hang out with this one friend group because she doesnt see that friend group for over 10 months and only sees them on summer. Idk what to do im either being played or she really just needs time for herself lmk guys.


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Reply by AlexLemme

posted

Universal relationship advice: Communicate openly, respect each other, spend quality time, resolve conflicts calmly, trust and be honest, maintain individuality, show appreciation, support each other's goals, be patient and forgiving, keep things exciting, and grow together.

tbh the most important thing that everyone should do in relationship is being opened in communication. if not it gonna make a lot problems in the future.

i love to read some blogs about relationship and be knowing about all this stuff before problem will come to me from nowhere. last thing that i read is about "how to date a ukrainian woman" (cuz of my girlfriend and yes she is from Ukraine) https://victoriyaclub.com/about-online-dating/ukrainian-mail-order-brides-your-key-to-international-love/


but she shouldn't know about that. lol


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Reply by 99iris

posted

I agree, always love yourself first even if it's hard. Love yourself before you get into a Relationship or you'll be stuck with constant insecurity and seeking reassurance if you're still wanted. 


Abandonment issues I understand, but constantly comparing yourself to other people may leave a negative scar if you find yourself unattractive.


More importantly, your goals come first and it's not selfish. Ask yourself are you really in love with this person, or is it an attachment style you wore and got used to. 

Last of all, never ever hurt yourself over someone, eventually you'll regret it and wish you'd apologize to yourself for showing too much vulnerability to someone who would take advantage of it.


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Reply by MALIZARAWRRXD

posted
updated

Heyy, I have a crush on this guy and i don't know if I actually LIKE HIM or i just like the idea of being in a relantionship, what should I do??:((


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Reply by rowayne <3

posted

I'm in a bit of a conundrum and I may need some advice. So to explain it simply I went out with a girl who liked me but I didn't like her back and I just said I liked her so that she wouldn't be sad. I grew to realise that this wasn't the best option and the end of New year's Day I broke up with her but I felt like that wasn't the best option because later on in life well around six months or three months after our breakup she gained an eating disorder and started vaping and never spoke to me and she came into my science because she got transferred into my class and I texted her basically saying can we be friends because I'm I really want to like get to know you in a platonic way and she replied that's completely fine so I texted her about all the stuff that happened after I break up and she confirmed that it was because of me but there was a point in my life where I started to like her back after I broke up but I'm not sure what to do because we don't speak off than any more and I want to become friends with her.


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