eating disorders

I deal with mostly long periods of food avoidance followed by brief binge sessions that occasionally lead to extreme guilt that maintains the process. I have body dysmorphic disorder and a terrible relationship with food. My relationship with food soured as a kid when I was forced to finish my plate despite an already-full belly and sometimes wasn't allowed seconds for fear that I'd overeat. I also wasn't really allowed a choice in what I could eat, either. We were food-insecure and I often just ate the food at the restaurant my mom worked at (which was horrendously unhealthy food to begin with). My eating disorder developed sometime in middle school. My childhood trauma was creeping back in after a triggering court session, I was being ruthlessly bullied by school peers, and mt body image was deteriorating before it could even develop. My mom, my only feminine role model, had body image issues that she unknowingly projected on me and I still carry some of the unhealthy habits she exhibited (although self-awareness has drastically helped). I now have two children of my own that I battle my disorders for. I can't let my children follow toxic societal standards and I'm definitely not going to be enforcing those thought processes on them. I still struggle but I have an awesome support system. If you struggle with an eating disorder, I am no therapist but I am certainly an available ear if you need. Thank you for reading. 🌠

♓︎ ♓︎ ⬆️♈︎  𝓑𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓪𝓷𝔂   ☿ ♓︎ ♀️ ♓︎ ♂️ ♒︎

yes, i think i have an ED and its extremely hard to live with... i think ive had it since i was 12 yo but to put it bluntly i never found the strength to see a specialist. im in remission rn but its extremely difficult for me to accept my body, my weight, my appearance... even though i eat whatever i want, even though i don't limit myself in calories, I don't feel any better. I still do weird things from time to time to "burn calories", i still weigh myself up from time to time, im still worried about the food that gets into my stomach, and honestly, the calorie count happens by itself... im incredibly tired of it, and it seems every time i go into "remission" i want to k1ll myself even more.

Everyone says I do and it’s ednos I think because I purge but also restrict 

i sadly deal with a HEAVY bed, its really hard for me to keep away from food, i binge most days till i feel physically sick and then i get a wave of huge regret because i will never be skinny. I mostly binge out of boredom and depression but still it affects me in everyday life and its SHIT

I struggle a little wen i was in 4th grade i noticed all the girls were skinnier than me and i still had my baby fat so i started to eat less i was a kid so of course i still ate a lot i was also always a picky eater then 5th grade i stopped eating school lunch occasionally and just ate snacks or lunch my mom made. 6-7th grade i stopped eating school lunch partially because it was gross but also i started to lose pounds fast i live in the city so i commute and it was basically a workout going to school and back my family also doesnt really have food in the house cuz we're poor so it was easy to just not eat anything. 8th grade i still kept the same schedule and would only eat at dinner as to not worry anyone also i was starving that way i'd still look healthy. i never ate a single school lunch in all my 4 years of highschool and kept the same schedule my portion sizes decreased probably becuz of my lack of eating. I caught myself abt to have an anxiety attack becuz i noticed rolls on my stomach while sitting i'm 5'3 and 110 pounds im healthy but i didnt care i just saw fat so i wanted to throw up but i stopped and thought that that was going way too far. I still eat wen i can but i don't think i could stop myself from not seeing myself as fat. I have to stay below 115 becuz if i didnt i think id have a mental breakdown it makes me anxious just thinking about it even writing 100 and something pounds makes me feel awful i know if i go under im unhealthy but 115 sounds awful to me. I think if i had the chance id fast myself and only eat one meal a day like i did in middle school in fact i want to go back to that becuz i feel fat and gross rn. I never thought of myself as anorexic becuz i just decided to starve myself one day i didn't know a thing abt stuff like that. Anyways im 18 and i feel bad for the ppl around me if i ever get to a point where im really sick but i feel so much better wen i do lose weight. I talked to a school therapist in my senior year he was their to help me with my social anxiety/depression it helped a lot but i think if i talked to another therapist id die I hardly talked during my sessions and just felt immense guilt even tho i reached out for help i wanted to go back to my no therapist and just classes schedule. Besides that Herbs of Altars a ytber has helped me a lot with his stories etc... if i feel real bad i go and watch them lol. 

Hi, my name is spencer!

I have ana and it devolped when i was kid and just extentend into my now barely adult life ive been hospitalized once and had forced recover 2x 

Unfortunately Mia. I developed it around 17 years old so around 3 years ago. It has definetly gotten better but its one of those things that can ruin a perfect day with friends and family :( Ive been on a b/p streak for 2 weeks now. Hoping for the best :)

It started when I was around 8-9. I was a very spiteful kid due to trauma and thinking everything was just out to get me. All the women around me that weren’t total bitches (at first glance or that I could remember) were slim and petite like in the TV shows and movies. But I also had a few abusive relatives and a bully back then. They both had a much wider body type, and since I mostly judged things off of the visual features (like body language, how they treated others ,etc.) I thought that if you were bigger, you were just filled with hate. Of course I dont think that now but at the time I also lived in a very conservative household with little man children who thought they had a right to everyone’s life. Anyways shit happened and I started trying to ‘become skinnier’ by eating less and working out. But when I didn’t see any kind of progress or change I immediately went to a liquid diet and tried everything to become skinnier. After a while my family started to notice and just bought me snacks, thinking it would work. It somewhat did but it just made me throw everything up at night when everyone slept. It took me until I was 14 to really try eating more since I started to work out and interact with others. But what really helped me was getting to the roots. I started a little therapy and really dug deep when I would cry and break down. Instead of thinking I was horrible and useless I would immediately try to come up with reasons and solutions as to why. Of course I ended up cutting off those family members but since my grandmother still lives with my parents, I always snap back. I still struggle with my body now, and due to my past mistakes I don’t feel hunger like normal. I feel empty and acidic but now that I’ve stuck to a somewhat okay routine, my body doesn’t immediately collapse and shut down as soon as I’m out of bed. Rushing the process will never help, because results take time like everything else. The smallest details always matter so even if things seem like shit now, even the smallest bit of cereal or even butter on toast is amazing progress. Thank you if you did read all this mess and good luck! (⌒▽⌒)

It started when I was around 8-9. I was a very spiteful kid due to trauma and thinking everything was just out to get me. All the women around me that weren’t total bitches (at first glance or that I could remember) were slim and petite like in the TV shows and movies. But I also had a few abusive relatives and a bully back then. They both had a much wider body type, and since I mostly judged things off of the visual features (like body language, how they treated others ,etc.) I thought that if you were bigger, you were just filled with hate. Of course I dont think that now but at the time I also lived in a very conservative household with little man children who thought they had a right to everyone’s life. Anyways shit happened and I started trying to ‘become skinnier’ by eating less and working out. But when I didn’t see any kind of progress or change I immediately went to a liquid diet and tried everything to become skinnier. After a while my family started to notice and just bought me snacks, thinking it would work. It somewhat did but it just made me throw everything up at night when everyone slept. It took me until I was 14 to really try eating more since I started to work out and interact with others. But what really helped me was getting to the roots. I started a little therapy and really dug deep when I would cry and break down. Instead of thinking I was horrible and useless I would immediately try to come up with reasons and solutions as to why. Of course I ended up cutting off those family members but since my grandmother still lives with my parents, I always snap back. I still struggle with my body now, and due to my past mistakes I don’t feel hunger like normal. I feel empty and acidic but now that I’ve stuck to a somewhat okay routine, my body doesn’t immediately collapse and shut down as soon as I’m out of bed. Rushing the process will never help, because results take time like everything else. The smallest details always matter so even if things seem like shit now, even the smallest bit of cereal or even butter on toast is amazing progress. Thank you if you did read all this mess and good luck! (⌒▽⌒)

womp womp

sufro de bul1m1a desde los 13 años por problemas de autoestima :p

 My mom has bipolar disorder and had her first major manic episode when i was nine years old. She eventually got admitted after she went depressive and tried to commit, with me and my brther in the house. My dad ended up not being abe to handle her shit and got her admitted, but since he works 14 hours a day and me and my brther were barely ten and couldnt take care of ourselves properly, i was shipped off to london to live with my uncle ( who i chose to live with since i was very close to him) and my brother stayed in colorado with his godmother. the first few days went great, i was too young to properly understand what was happening with my mother, and he even took me to Harry Potter world and i was happy asf. Then things got bad, the guy was a lot more strict thn he seemed, and bcs he was obese he thought he had a pass just go around calling everyone fat and shit. his son has undiagnosed arfid and bcs of that he was always like extremely skinny, well, everytime i was trying to eat, i got compared to him. he was like " you dont wanna be like me and your mother, so stop eating so much, you're getting fat". 

 That just kind of changed my brain chemistry yk. I lived with those ppl for around two months until my mother got over the episode and went back to normal. I had been taught to basically always compare myself to others, omapre how much i ate, was shamed everytime i ate to the point where i always ordered less than i wanted. I ended up restricting then binging, gained weight, felt awful, cried, repeat. Then i googled how to lose weight for preteens, i got a randm video that i dont remember much from, just a slide saying sme shit like " Dont eat unless completly sure you are hungry" then I watched that one Dhar Man video thats like antibulimia but it just clicked in my 13yr old brain that purging could actually make me lose weight, like it just clicked like, i didnt know how i didnt think of it before. I ended up on venttok and shtok which gave me ideas aswell when i was around 11-12. That just inteduced me to the idea of proana and then it just escallated. I got a lot more popular after i started losing weight, i struggled with social interaction since i was new to my school after moving to this whole new town, and after the weight loss i started getting ppl talking to m eor smiling me in the street. Like id never gt shamed at doctors' visits, once my female doctor told me that im lucky to have such an attractive body and thirteen year old me was like, extremely happy about it. Then it escallated, started losing hair, started blowing up on edtwt, made friends tried recovery they fucked me over and i ruined everything. im obsessive and compulsive and honestly its just getting worse and worse. i talked to a psychiarist who is a family friend once and he just blew me off, its been hard to reach out since then. i cant stop counting and ive ruined my body. Ive passed out three times at PE i dont even care if girls will like me smaller anymore i just care abt how i can get to bmi 10. I wish i stayed with my brother's godmother and had my parents  limit my internet access when I was a kid. I just wish they paid more attention, not now bcs now they worry but they could have stopped this sooner if only they gave a shit. 

I've had an eating disorder for 14 years now. Recovery is tough.

Started out as EDNOS, but developed into full blown Anorexia Nervosa.

its quite confusing, cause i havent been diagnosed with something, so it makes me feel like im faking or smth like that.

i struggle to see myself not being fat, i mean, anytime i look in the mirror all i see is fat, a ball of fat. its terribly. i also have binges, wich i am working on. and anytime i have one of those i have to purge. and its really affecting my throat. you see, i have long nails that i have to keep growing as they improve the quality of the sound of the guitar -bc i play the guitar as you can read-

i need to weigh myself everyday. my friends noticed this and called it out. i couldnt help but feel embarrased, i felt naked in front of them. idk.

this has been happening since february firts. and idk if i shall call it a miracle or a torture

I do, Some mix of ana and bn considering I have behaviours from both, it started around when I was 9-10 due to large amounts of bullying about the way I looked.