Struggling with my trans identity

Hi chat, Ive just been struggling a lot with accepting myself as a trans guy, so I wanted to see if I could find some community here. It's hard to stop myself from thinking, I don't want to be trans. That's how I feel most days. It makes me feel discouraged from transitioning, because I want to ultimately be cis, and no amount of hormones or surgeries could ever do that. It makes me feel hopeless. Most of my journey as a trans person has been painful, so it makes it difficult to like the trans aspects of myself. I keep hearing that there's "trans joy in this journey", but the longer I sit with my identity, the more false that feels. What even is trans joy? It feels like it doesn't exist, and I'm just going to be living in misery forever because of my transness. I'm tired, I don't want to feel this way forever. I see people who like being trans, and I can't understand how. Is there really pay off that makes it worth being trans instead of cis? What is better about being trans? I want to love my identity, but I'm struggling, and I don't have many trans friends irl who I can even look to for guidance or hope. I feel discouraged from life, love, transitioning. 

I just wanted to see if other ppl felt like this? And how you dealt with it? 

Is trans joy really real? And if so, what is it? I want there to be light at the end of this tunnel, but I can't find it.