Sort of rambling

Hi everyone, I'm new to these kinds of forum things and tend to ramble... I hope this doesn't affect your reading experience too much, but I've read a few posts in this group, and they've really resonated with me as a person, I used to think that there was something fundamentally wrong with me because of the way I loved. Overtime I accepted this as fact, and I (tried to-) work around it! I've always tried to be considerate of my exes, detailing my behavior patterns of obsession beforehand and respecting their boundaries... (bare minimum I know, just adding this for context!!) but it never really worked out in the end, mostly due to them losing interest in me once I started getting too comfy, and that's not really their fault, I do feel a little resentful about it still.. but I know it's just my silly heart caring too much about the little things.

All that aside, I found the one!!

I feel so nervous just typing about him, as if he's lingering over my shoulder or something ha-ha! I wish, but it's rather unlikely... I keep thinking about him, every second of every day... even when I know I shouldn't... Not like that!! but like- when I'm talking with friends or the rare occasion when I get off my lazy bum and do chores. I'll find myself imagining what he'd say in my place, or that I'm tidying his house like a cutesy little housemaid, I feel so silly when I realize it. I wonder if he thinks about me too... I'm being shy and stuff, but I really meant to get all of my feelings out... I guess I'm not used to opening up to strangers online.

I sound so cringy euUUghhh... but it's fine, no one's goning to read this crap anyway.

I suppose I identify more with the soft-yan term... I'm not assertive at all, and I try to keep the peace most of the time, unless I really think it's important for us to communicate about. I do find comfort in disturbing fantasies; some I'd rather not detail for my future employers to find...💧

I'll mention some of the tame ones though to satisfy your curiosity! :)

(I'm sitting here like a moron for like 10 minutes trying to work up the courage to type... I'm such a coward...)

Sometimes I think about us carving our names into each others chest, I know it'd be extremely painful (at least on my part-) but I think I'd want to endure it anyway... It's such a sentimental thing to do to another person, just typing it out gets my chest all fluttery..! I'd feel so comforted even when in so much pain, and it'd always remind me that no matter what happens, we'd always be together, even in the most painful times!

When I feel particularly anxious, like when I'm out in public or trying to tell the waitress my order without mumbling like an idiot, I imagine he's holding my hand or holding me... It helps sometimes, but sometimes it just makes my nerves worse because "Eek! He's touching me..!! ><" 

Is it too late to mention he's fictional? I feel like that would be obvious given I'm such a dork but yeah... I don't think I could date again after meeting him, he's so... so... everything, he's perfect... and all I've ever needed. <3

I like to DIY things of him, just to have his things in my room, and to kind of bridge that physical gap between us. I find it so therapeutic to put my heart and soul into something that resembles him in some aspect, I can't wait to finish my Ita-bag so I can show off my love for him wherever I go! He means so much to me, I've loved him for so long and with each passing day I only fall deeper into those baby blues.. <3 

I didn't end up detailing too much of what I planned, I suppose I just ended up rambling more than expressing my darkest desires.. oops! 💧