How to destroy all of your friendships

Question

I have an amazing friend, whom I've known since 2024, and I deeply love her but for all the positives which come from knowing her, I feel such incredible anxiety over whether or not she truly likes me. I always take whatever anyone says, and my mind spins it, I deform their words and interpret as a "sign" that they secretly despise me, or have grown disinterested in knowing me, I suddenly decide that I "hate" them for not paying enough attention to me, and I begin messaging constantly, asking if they actually love me, accuse them of lying, and everyone ends up hating me when they never did at all. There's only so many times in which you can cry, apologise and beg for someone to come back, and eventually I'm left on my own again. Everyone leaves me at some point.
She's been so incredibly patient to me, and whilst I'm aware that she has the exact problem, I can't help but imagine myself as such a burden to her. I truly disgust myself and I'm scared that if she realises what I'm really like, she'll notice how awful I am.
I feel everything too deeply. I wish I could go on with my life as others do. I'm only just realising that this has been spurred on because I haven't been messaged in two hours. Only two hours. Last year I had no one, well I did have a few online friends which ended in catastrophe, for similar reasons, but overall nothing this intense and I wish I had nobody around me, it never turns out well. I ruin everything in the end. When I'm alone, such melancholy and loneliness eats away at me but when I do have someone all I have is fear, dread of them hating me, anxiety... I've never cared for a person as much as I care for her. The end of it all is inevitable, I know it, but I don't want her to leave me.

God, I'm pathetic.

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Answer

i dont think that feeling is something to be ashamed of. it’s normal to be scared of losing your loved ones. especially considering you’ve been in a place where you had nobody. its terrifying to think that if you say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, you’ll lose everything and be back to square one.

but it’s not healthy to stew in that feeling forever. you’re creating a situation where both of you are under a massive amount of pressure to not hurt each other, but when you’re stuck trying to prove your worth to someone, you’ll never get to properly know and love one another.

if i were you, i’d try to find other sources of validation. practice your hobbies, start a blog for your interests, make new friends. you have to be okay with the possibility of someone not liking you, because otherwise you’ll just spiral endlessly over whether or not they do.

but from the sounds of it, she cares a lot about you. she wouldn’t be so patient with you unless she viewed you as someone worth loving.

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How to destroy all of your friendships

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