I ruined it again?

I think I ruined it..

Again

Not permanently.. but still

Probably for at least for a few days, maybe even a week or 2

Yesterday and the day before me and my precious godly boyfriend were gaming together since I finally set up m pc. (All by myself)
Anywayds.. he helped me so much, and he stayed so patient and sweet and calm even though I'm the slowest person on earth and I'm genuinely retarded.

He was so sweet and said so many sweet things, like, I was talking and he said "I'm so fucking in love with you". I sid I felt the same way of course, overexcited since my heart was melting. Gosh, I love him sososososososososoooooooo much..~~

Anyways.. after that, yesterday,  we wanted to goon together but yhjen my mom came into my room and bothered me with some stupid unimportand irrlevant chore that took me 10 min. After that I came back, and since I had just dissapeared since I didn't know my mom would bother me for so long he just goned without me. I got irritated at my mom because she bopthers me 24/7. Anyways.. he said he was gonna nap and hoped we could do another time, but  I was so so so fucking stupid and tired and an asshole waste of breath, and for my being I replied  kinda pretty cold. Instead of usually I would've said: "Okayyayyayay!! Sleep well daddy I LOVE YOU SOSOSOSO MUCHHHHH  and btwww I hope tooooo!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3"

But no. My stupid worthless stupid ugly fat disgusting ass said "Okayyyyy baiii"

What the actual fuck was I thinking

I hate myself

so

fucking

much

I wanna beat myself up

Hit my head

Smash it with my fist

Cut  and stab myself

But dw, I won't.

I won't ever break my promise with my precious boyfriend again..

Anyways..

I over and over and over and over and over and over and over and oveeeerrrrr apologized and explained and everything, which maybe even made it worse. But today her was kinda cold and he's mostly ignoring me. I 

I don't wanna live 

I asked him if he's mad or upset, and said it felt like he was and apologized and said if it wasn't my intention to hurt, upset or anger him or hurt him.

He told me he wasn't mad, just tired. Not because of me.

Sure, sure. And I am goldfish

I know it's my fault.. I just can't prove it.. yet.

But yesterday he was so happy and the days before too, so how could it be anything else's fault?

Anyways.. I asked him if something happened that made him tired. He said yes but it "wasn't importand".

Of course it is, he shouldn't dismiss himself and his feelings like that. It sure is importand. If not to him, it is to me, no matter how big or small.

I told him that, and that  no matter how big or small it was, it mattered and it was valid. I said  I'd prefer to know to prevent spiraling and accidentally bothering and tiring him even more even though that's the least io want. I said he didn't need to tell him if he wasn't comfortable with it, and that I was happy and proud that he ex is comfortable expressing boundaries to me. But that I'd prefer to know

I also apologized that it maybe seemed like I was tryna guilt trip him but that I didn't mean it like that.

Then I said that i loved him and that I'm sorry to hear he's tired but that that he didn't need to worry and that he could take all the time he needed and that I'll never leave him. Never. And that I'd stay with him no matter what.                     

I probably ruined it for at least a few days, maybe 1 to 2 weeks..

He'll be cold, ignore me mostly, game or sleep a lot, maybe even barely eat, barely goon - or worse, not goon to me. Though I'm sure he doesn't, he would never cheat. But he'll just give me the cold shoulder.. or a slightly off tone and barely texting.

I hate myself so much

I am disgusted by myself