Contradictiones inter desiderium salutis et desiderium peccandi

TRIGGER WARNING: The following text uses the word bunny, but in quotation marks, it mentions many times "blood" and "hurting", but it isn't meant to be about animal cruelty in any means.
It is about affection (it is still a text what can discomfort), so, the term "bunny" is used to say another thing, i don't endorse treating animals with violence.
It isn't about it (despite still a complicated and off putting text, for someone), okey?


I am horrible, really, really horrible, because my heart is dark colored, because i have sin multiple times.
My heart calls the sin, my heart calls protection to others, i know what it was in my head and i beg to candid souls to know that...FUCK IT, what am i talking about? Expecting to be seen as shining as the full Moon, hiding being the eclipse? Come on, who am i fooling? Just, i want to be loved and loving some little """"bunny"""" back...Just love has two sides, pink and glittery clouds and thirst for blood.
Would you believe me if i tell you i want them both? What i want the impossible? To hold that """bunny""" and seeing him sleeping on a pillow, listening to his soothing breaths and singing a lullaby, but wanting to tasting it at the same time?
Love is wonderful they say, affection is wonderful they say, being tender to each other is marvelous they say and then they say love can be complicated, can be messy, but what about me and the """bunnies"""?
Why i would like to go somewhere far away, to pick a "bunny" in order to see it hurt by me, then crying and try again with another one in order to tell him "please, please, let me be the best of myself, let me be a starry night sky, what you really desire"?
Bad ""bunny""-mommy, bad ""bunny""-mommy, bad """bunny"""-mommy.
I can see a """bunny""" out there, in the corner of my room, crying, calling me.
I get up and come close to him, then i stopped, what if, while hugging him, i would hurt him and be thirsty for his blood? No, no, no, no way (who am i kidding?), this ""bunny"" needs me more than everyone.
That tender hug, my original sin, the sin from a mother who just want to love her """bunnies"""...But love is messy, they say, affection is amazing, they say..."""Bunny""" please, save me and i am gonna save you, let me sing you a lullaby while i try to wash as much as possible the blood on my hands.
Bad, bad, bad """bunny"""-mommy...Who am i fooling?...Myself.
Please..."""Bunny""", at least, love my starry sky like blood, perhaps i can't stop your crying, but i would like to hear your breaths...I would cry forever for those breaths, but you..."""Bunny"""...Goodbye, goodnight, farewell and sleep well.
Tomorrow is another day and...I would be gone, just the sun rising would tell us if it is going to be blood or any emotions you are feeling right now, my """bunny""".

Putasne me dormire posse sine oculis me intuentibus? An tantum cor meum confirmationem desiderat?