I kinda fucked up

Today I had a fight with my family because my parents found out I lied about my bf´s age. Luckily they only knew I lied about his age, but not what his age actually is.

My mom got very mad, and already started saying all this bullshit and giving me punishment: only 2 hours of phone a day. And I have to plan it in. Like what the fuck!? What am I, a prisoner!??

That means I have to think really good before choosing a time, because otherwise I won't be able to talk to my beloved bf if he isn´t online. And what I'm even more scared of: what if he starts losing feelings because we won´t be able to spend enough time together?! Gosh, the thought of that only already makes me want to tear my own skin off.

And even worse: my mom had told me there was a chance we would go to his capital city and I would meet him in real life, but now she found out I wasn't being truthful about his age I can forget that. The still is a small chance, but it's smaller than micro.

My boyfriend is my oxygen, my only single reason to live, and noting -and I mean NOTHING- can stop me from being with him. NOTHING.

If I lose him..

I'll go insane

I'll grab a glass bottle and smash it, using the sharp gas's "sword" to carve on the walls.

Carve his name in my skin.

Again and again, until it´ll leave his name scarred deep into my flesh.

Then use my own blood to write his name on my wall. 

Again, and again, and again, until my wall is covered with my blood.

Then, while I'm bleeding my last few drops of blood before I'll go, I'll carve his name into my chest one last time.

I know I'm insane.

But I don't care one single bit.

As long as I have him I won´t hurt a fly, 

but if anything gets in my way..

I just wanna be with him.

Physically.

I wanna feel his strong arms around me, his big hands on my body, his soft skin on mine and his hot breath and the vibration of his voice in his chest as I would lay on top of him.

I wanna mold into one person with him, being closer than one.

Gosh.. I miss him so much

I also screwed up like TWICE today.

Firstly I mentioned my exes when I said no one else ever made me cum, not a single one of my exes.

In my dumb autistic mind that sounded very differently than how it actually came across, so it accidentally came across rather like that I gooned with other guys but they weren't like him.

Like, how the fuck was I so stupid to not realize how I sounded!!?

And then later today I screwed up AGAIN because I said smth about his age that made it seem like I questioned him.

I fucking hate myself sometimes.

The only reason I don't hate myself 24/7 is because he loves me, so I guess that there are still ome parts left that don´t need to be hated.

I don't deserve him, he's the best bf ever!!!!!

I really mean that. Like, he handles my anxiety and extreme abandonment fear and overthinking so well, he´s honest, he's sweet, he's funny, he's smart, he's cool, and actually there are about nearly 200 more reasons why I love him so much, butttt I ain´t gonna spoil all that to you hehe.