Vent: Two Steps Backward, One Step Forward

I was gonna dedicate my blog to the "tortured poet/hopeless romantic" vibe because of some stuff that went down with a friend but I'm so glad I didn't. It makes me feel better to focus on myself than hang on to something that they don't wanna pursue and that I don't need to pursue. I kinda feel bad for blocking them but at the same time they can't be an option for me. Not right now. It's weird because I'm over what happened. I don't want them to fall in love with me and I've accepted the fact that I can't fall in love with them. Not only that, I relied on them too much as a friend. And I feel like I was getting better but then they'd respond and everything would reset to zero. What really pushed me to purposefully ignore them is when I spiraled like two weeks ago. They say they don't respond to me because they're busy and not a phone person. I believe that but for some reason in that moment I felt like I had just been abandoned. I daydreamt way too much and I kept thinking about them more and more when it felt like they were never thinking of me. So I stepped back. Was it the most rational decision in the world? No. I trust what they say but I can't let them in my head anymore. Does that make sense? Like, I totally get that they're busy because as I keep focusing on myself, I'm getting busier. I have to focus on my work, my hobbies, my family, my goals. I'm just scared that once I unblock them, all of my walls will crumble again and I'll regress back into a lovesick dog.

This distance is good for now. It's good for me. "But what if they're trying to call or text you something important?" they aren't. They text every blue moon. I know they're my friend and we'll always be friends but they're not a phone person. Also I've tried to text them a bunch of times and they respond when they're good and ready. Maybe they're doing the same thing I'm doing. I kinda want to ask "hey, what do you mean you were thinking about everything that happened between us?" because I thought that the stuff we did meant.. well it wasn't meaningless. But I thought being a "maneater" meant that you do stuff like that all the time and don't get attached. Why are you still thinking about it? Does our friendship change what happened? Does that make what we did any different? It's hard for me to pin you down (haha) when you claim that you can be cold, but simple gestures drive you crazy. I love that about you. 

Anyway, I sent them a letter. No double meaning, no flowy poetry. Just pure honesty and maybe one comment that COULD be interpreted as flirty, but isn't intended to be. I'll go back to my own dreams once I post this. When I see you again, hopefully I'll be better.