for a long while now, i've been keeping busy with some responsibilities recently. and now that i basically finished that, i finally have the time to work on my art again.
but i just can't find the inspiration or desire to draw much anymore. i only had it when i was sitting with friends, chatting, talking or just doing work but when i'm by myself the desire to make art is basically just gone.
i've seen people who were under the same circumstances as me during the period i didn't have free time, and yet they kept making stuff, kept showing me that i am just a lazy idiot who can't work for their dream. everyday their progress and their impeccable skills taunt me and show me how incompetent i am, and yet here i am complaining about not acting on it.
i always wanted to make animations, comics but everytime i try to do it by myself i can't find something that makes me want to do that, all the time i just sit on my computer playing games or talking online without really doing anything productive. am i wrong for that? at least in my eyes i am.
even tho people say that discipline overcomes any obstacle, which i sometimes agree, that can't be applied to art. at least not for me, cus everytime i try to force myself into drawing i just fumble all over the place and end up creating what i can only describe as "scribbles of a bendy pendulum".
so what do i even do? i still love creating characters and stories, i still love the idea of showing to the world what my art means but i just can't muster the desire to make it. i'm lazy.
part of it is due to my recent falling out with other artists around the internet but also real life, everybody on the internet just seems to go towards sexual content, the same content that scarred my life and is the main source of my anger. that disgusts me, it makes me want to isolate myself because of the fear that once i make a friend, they will turn out to be one of those ugly maggots that infected artistic spaces as a whole. and the worst part is that its only me who thinks like that, most people praise and even admire people who make that content, without realizing the harm that they can actually do. so i end up isolating myself from everyone.
i still want to share my stories, i still want to make things. but what is the meaning of expression when there is literally no one to express it to?
what should i do?
thank you for reading.
-foreign mammal