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I don't know when it started or how but It's been practically leeched onto my back and spine like a companion that isn't supposed to be there, maybe i'm just now noticing it finally and how its been draining me, yet I've been conditioned into accepting this draining feeling my whole life. As early as elementary school. It feels like any emotion of anger just wasn't allowed for me or my sister but with my little brother its different; it's almost like a privilege in my eyes. Growing up I went through 11 therapists in the span of 9 years coming from elementary to middle school. I felt like only 2 of those therapists understood me; the rest either kept asking annoying questions I had already answered, or it just felt like they weren't even paying attention at all.
Late middle school and early high school my mom was more pressuring about me makaing a career for myself and when she heard I still wanted to peruse art she would heavily discourage me. The minute you tell your family you're perusing anything in the creative field its as if they suddenly back out of supporting you. This wasn't the case for my dad however as he quietly supported me and my emotions. He didn't ask me any annoying questions or yell at me but he was patient and understanding and giving me the most important advice of all:
"Don't go to college for shit you can do for free at home."
I took this advice to heart and I still do.
Before my 20th birthday I had gotten one babysitting gig and was paid $80. My mom expected me to plan my birthday party with the small amount of money and even wanted to talk to me about investing it into retirement. I told her I wasn't in a good headspace at the time and that I don't think i'll make it to my 60's because of the state of the world as of then and now. My mom- tone deaf; was talking about how I should have a positive outlook on things. Yet when I be realistic with her about certain topics that she asks my opinion for she'll try to say its wrong. Then she'll turn the 'attitude card' on whenever i'm saying something in a calm manner and proceed to make a kindergarten ahh threat. after this my dad told her there was no point in investing in retirement- she got mad about it but even after I told my sister what happened it felt like she was still mad something didn't go her way.
Over the years it's lead me to hide everything from her: and I mean everything
Ignorance is bliss. A quote I can summarize my religious mother with; since she never watches the news. Keep in mind we live under a totalitarianism country rn where our president was just announced gay (im not making this shit up)
A couple days ago was my friends birthday but the day before that had marked my graduation; it's been 5 months and I feel I've done N O T H I N G
nothing but sit at home and slouch, nothing but be at home and having to shove my emotions down my throat as i hold my vomit in my mouth, instead of rushing down the stairs and hurling it out onto the dining room table i do nothing but hold in all inside. Hold it all inside until it damages my body.
I've given up on finding a job and yet to me; it feels like working retail is being a sellout to all my hopes and dreams. My sister is going to college and my mom still pressures me to go too- no matter how many times I tell her; i'm talking to a broken record player. A broken record player that breaks every record I put on it. The moment I show a hint of my anger, my third parenting skills that my parents raised me on as the oldest suddenly the record player stops, and i'm the crazy person in the room.
I need to leave, but THERE'S NOWHERE FOR ME TO GO
I need to leave, but I have few friends here
I need to leave, but I was born and raised here
I need to leave, but I NEED TO SCREAM
I need to leave, but I'M TRAPPED HERE
I need to leave, THE COUNTRY HAS ALREADY BURNED
I need to leave, I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS
I need to leave, I NEED TO LEAVE BUT I CAN'T LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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