Scar Removal.

Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Sensitive Topics(?)

(You actually don't have to read all this, you can just tell me how to get rid of hundreds of healed scars if that's even possible lol)

Hey, I've been struggling with self-harm for about a year and a half now. I'm currently 2 months clean as of October 26th. In 2022, I first cut myself on a school camp, my friend unfortunately told the staff, and I was sent home. (Yes, we're still friends lol, she had only the best intentions toward me at the time.) Of course, my parents were informed, but the worst part of it all was the fact that this all happened on my birthday. Neither of my parents talked about it again, and probably wouldn't have until recently.

 My other friend introduced me to the idea and actually provided me with the tools. She did it unintentionally, as she was going through a lot and honestly just wanted someone to talk to. I hold nothing against her and never blamed her at all, because why would I? My father, on the other hand... While he never actually talked about me self-harming, he very obviously hated that friend. I didn't tell him, but my friend, who told the staff, also told them about everything, so of course, my family found out, per the law. (Grammarly went a bit insane here with the comma's so uh please ignore that LOL.)

Anyway, I just realised I went way off topic and just started ranting about useless stuff no one cares about lol. Sorry!

SO! Since my mother knew about all this, it made me telling her about my recent self-harming way was easier. I honestly just went into her room and told her I've been repeating camp 2022. She had a very dry reaction, which I'm honestly grateful for, as I cannot handle other people's emotions well at all. (Irrelevant) Although my mother started freaking out about me having scars. I was originally worried all my friends would drop me once they found out about my scars, since that had happened before, so I wasn't upset that my mum wanted them gone. Until she started buying me products worth thousands of dollars that don't work, and suggesting laser removal, which I'm terrified of.

 My mum doesn't know my friends dropped me because of my scars, so it wasn't because of that. While I'm eternally grateful, it's started to feel like she just wants them gone because of my father. My mother and father have been fighting over my custody since 2019, when they split up, and my father would probably win the court case if he were to find out I've been self-harming. He has more money, and he lives in my home state, and the only reason I'm with my mum is because of his abuse towards my mother in the past. They obviously hate each other, and I want to hate him too, but I just can't hate my dad. My mum hates that I still love my dad, so it's annoying whenever I say I want to visit him. It's kind of understandable, but he IS my father, and I can't help that I love him. ANYWAY, sorry I keep going off topic lol.

I have a certain attachment to my scars. Is that weird? They remind me of every time I've screwed up, and it's kind of comforting. (I thought I should mention I have been severely depressed for 3 years and have no signs of getting better anytime soon TvT [if my whole profile wasn't enough proof LOL]) But I want to go swimming, since the ocean has always been healing for me (movie ahh quote XD), but it's true. I really miss the ocean, but every time I go swimming I get weird stares aha... Unfortunately for me, I physically cannot ignore them because my self-esteem is so incredibly low that even weird looks make me want to relapse! I know.. pathetic XD

SO! If anyone has any ideas to remove hundreds of 2-month healed scars, please let me know! I'm willing to even do laser surgery if it's not too expensive... even though I'm absolutely petrified!

Or just tell me if it's impossible. Sorry for wasting your time!