« Romance and Relationships Forum

Cheating on your wife/gf...

I saw a post on instagram that depicted a couple in bed, the man was attempting to get it in with his girl. And she was pushing him away saying she didn't feel like doing it tonight. He was complaining about how she hasn't given it up in 2 weeks... the caption read "this is why we cheat on ya'll." So of course knowing the world we live in today, I took my ass right on to the comments and decided to give it a good scrolling through. Some of the comments were pretty funny, but most of them were honestly disturbing due to the amount of men who were praising the behavior to go out and cheat if your partner doesn't want to give you sex. Then there were women who were insisting that since you're "his wife" your job is to serve him and to give him what he wants when he asks. 


I can't stress enough how horrific and damaging and toxic that kind of thinking is. I'm by no means a relationship expert, but I am a young guy (under 30) and i'm happily married to my best friend of 11+ years. So I'd say I'd have a good bit of knowledge and wisdom to share some things on this topic of discussion. 

First I'd like to start with, it's flat out WRONG to cheat on your partner because you can't get something that you want. It's WRONG to think that you're a piece of property and a sexual object for your partner, and to encourage others to participate in that kind of stuff. I'm sure we all know it's wrong, but I want to explain WHY it's wrong. It's wrong because sex shouldn't be a deal breaking factor in if you make the choice to remain faithful to someone who has feelings enough for you to let you inside of them. If your partner tells you know, regardless if it's been 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months. Getting mad and running off to the easiest girl you can find is just a sure way to seal your fate in a multitude of ways. Doing that isn't only damaging your partner but it damages you too. You may not see that now, but it will always appear at a later time. No matter who you are, how hard you ran from it. One way or another life will repay you what you put out into the world. 

There are TONS of ways to work through that issue of your partner not wanting to give it up as much as you'd like if at all really. Communication, and comprehension are going to be your best friends when it comes to sensitive topics like this. If her not wanting to have sex with you is that problematic for you, just speak up and let her know what you're thinking. Tell her why it's bothering you, how it makes you feel bad and not just you can't bust a nut. But don't JUST leave it at what's bothering you, ASK HER what's going on with her. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help the situation, ask her if there's anything she's going through that may be stopping her from being in the mood, maybe something shifted in the relationship and she isn't getting something that she was getting before that would make  her WANT to be with you in that way. More times than not, a compromise can be agreed upon and things will work out for both of you and you won't have to worry about doing dirt, lying, trying to hide it, trying to move your life around, just to have a fun time with a temporary person. 

From my personal experience with my wife, we were like rabbits for our first 3 years together, then we got married. And then life just happened, we weren't intimate the way we used to be. And it really bothered me as a man. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong, that maybe she didn't want me anymore, maybe i wasn't sexy to her anymore, maybe i grossed her out now, maybe maybe maybe maybe. Some nights I'd actually cry about it, because the not knowing would eat me alive. And she could tell on my face, every time she said no i was becoming more and more defeated until i just stopped asking altogether. I would always try to do things differently, try to keep things spontaneous, fun, thrilling, passionate, genuine, etc. i would ask her sometimes why i wasn't good enough to be with anymore, and if she was losing interest in me, and if we made a mistake getting married so early. And how her turning me down every single time i'd ask, made me feel like a really small man. Because all a man really wants, is to be WANTED. when a man feels wanted it really can make a world of difference. During my explanation of what was going on with me, i couldn't help but to start crying a little bit. Cause I love her, she's my best friend, she's my wife, and someone I care about and want to make her happy and live a happy and peaceful life together. And no sooner than i started crying, did she grab my face and made me look her in the face. And explained that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and i was doing everything she could've ever dreamed of and was thankful i didn't stop doing what i was doing. Thankful that i didn't do what a lot of guys would do, and go and cheat on her. Thankful I spoke up and wanted to fix a problem together. She explained to me that she believes she has a hormonal disorder that essentially destroys your sex drive. Where your body and brain want sex, until it comes time to do the action. Then her brain just like shuts down, and turns into a hard no. And how she never liked or enjoyed sex with any of her past partners. And the only reason she made sure we had sex as much as we did prior to marriage is because she was afraid if she didn't give me sex i would leave her or cheat on her. Once we both laid all the cards out on the table, we came up with a plan that worked for us. Where things could stay healthy and open and honest with one another even when it comes to stuff like this. But I learned how to work with what she deals with every day, and she's learned how to give me what i need without fullly giving me what i'm asking for. it was a compromise that truly strengthened our relationship exponentially. 

Now that time has passed and we have learned and grown, sex just really isn't that important when you're really with someone that you love. Someone that you just love their presence, love their smell, laugh, touch, smile, brains, etc. There are so many other ways to be intimate and get much deeper than you ever could with sex. 


Now this isn't the solution for everyone, but communication, comprehension, compromising, honesty, transparency, being open minded, etc. are some of the deciding factors in which way your relationship goes from there on. 



Feel free to give any feedback!


Report Topic

10 Replies

Sort Replies:

Reply by chxshire22

posted

The part that you wrote about your marriage really moved me. Growing up watching my dad cheat on my mom constantly really broke my heart, and really made me insecure about my S/O's faithfulness. I'm really glad to hear happy stories like yours. 


I agree, I think there really shouldn't be any reason to cheat. Personally I'm really glad to have met my current gf, as she has never even once tried to make me feel jealous or question her motives when it comes to another man. 

It's really concerning that there are people out there who support and enable the culture of cheating. Especially when a lot of these social media influencers make video skits about hiding things from your S/O... I'm not sure if they're aware that the demographics that are consuming their content are mostly impressionable young teens. 


Report Reply

Reply by Callie Krumme

posted

Honestly my husband soon to be ex used to tell me that all the time “this is why husbands cheat on their wives...of course I’d never do it” he left me for someone else. We’re not divorced yet and he’s engaged to her and having a baby with her. He’s been gone since the beginning of July of 2020. so I honestly agree with this 100% he’d guilt trip me and sadly in today’s day and age people do say it’s our job as the wife. But if we say no we mean no. It’s our body and we have a say in if we sleep with our husbands or not. We too are sometimes not in the mood or we don’t feel good or we’re tired. I don’t like that way of thinking but long story short. I 100% agree with you. 


Report Reply

Reply by necromancer

posted

so a couple of things,

1. yeah, like, no one talks about sexual "dysfunction" like this in early 20s. I'm at a similar age & feel like I've gotta learn everything abt sex from bottom up, because it really is not at all the thing I thought that it was/would be. even though your story isn't a 1:1 match to me it shares some very common elements that a lot of ppl experience.

2. u sound like a very sweet guy. I wonder how some ppl end up putting this together & others don't. the sincere compassion growing out of love u describe wasn't something I'd seen up close in others' romantic relationships until I got into my own. a relationship where at the end of the day people LOVE each other & treat each other as such & it's not rly complicated, where there's dignity at the core...that was purely speculative for me until I suddenly just had it. I think a lot abt what ppl mean when they say love, & where those understandings come from. mayb I need to read more feminist history bc these questions r political & academic & core to the human experience


Report Reply

Reply by Weissdorn

posted

This expression "cheat" seems a little rubbery to some people. Since it was mostly men who were deciding to chose some kind of alternative to a disinterested wife/girlfriend, at which point is it cheating?

Because, I know of women who consider their male partners whose avarious looks towards other women "obvious cheating". Likewise they also view men resorting to watching videos of sex workers' performances also "obvious cheating" - even though in both cases the men did not have any kind of sex with other persons. Still, the stereotype is the wife dragging tge husband to therapy for infidelity, and if tge councillors cannot establish infidelity, then the husband is dragged to a different therapy for "sex addiction".


Report Reply

Reply by LexiconDisgr4ced

posted

Also sex isn't necessary... you'll live without it man. If you aren't grown enough to go without a form of pleasure for the better of your marriage, you shouldn't be married.


Report Reply

Reply by ・❥・Ꭺꪑᖯɾꪮ᥉เᥲ༊*·˚

posted

the solution is obviously never to ask if there is something the matter of course not it's just 'cheat she's a bitch' thinking yourself to be the victim. it's sick truly


Report Reply

Reply by Giuseppe

posted
updated

Well, that in itself is sort of a betrayal on her part as well. I'm sorry but it takes two to tango to make things flow within a union. Intimacy is very important in any relationship whether be marriage or just any other ordinary adult relationship. People are just too quick to judge on people's behavior. I don't condone it, but we need to ascertain is to what triggers people into getting into that kind of situation instead of throwing stones at them. With the exception of the apathetic/sociopath type, I'm not including them in this conversation. I just feel it's just pure neglect and it's not healthy.


Report Reply

Reply by Vanessa Williams

posted
updated

There are many fun things to do in Guangxi - an autonomous region of the People's Republic of China, located in South China and bordering Vietnam and the Gulf of Tonkin. Formerly a province, Guangxi became an autonomous region in 1958. Its current capital is Nanning.

Guangxi's location, in mountainous terrain in the far south of China, has placed it on the frontier of Chinese civilization throughout much of Chinese history. The current name "Guang" means "expanse" and has been associated with the region since the creation of Guang Prefecture in 226 AD. It was given provincial level status during the Yuan dynasty, but even into the 20th century, it was considered an open, wild territory. The abbreviation of the region is "桂" (Hanyu pinyin: Guì; Zhuang: Gvei), which comes from the name of the city of Guilin, the provincial capital during both the Ming dynasty and the Qing dynasty.

Guangxi contains the largest population of China's ethnic minorities after Yunnan, in particular, the Zhuang people, who make up 32% of the population. Various regional languages and dialects such as Pinghua, Zhuang, Kam, Cantonese, Hakka, and Min are spoken alongside Mandarin Chinese.


Report Reply

Reply by Nii ★🎸🎧⋆。 °⋆

posted

One of my biggest fears is cheating. In my past relationships every chose other girls and then they wonder why there are always h0es around them. 


Report Reply

Reply by Ju

posted

(sorry rant)

My Dad cheated on my mom. 

He`s also a compulsive Liar so i don't know what is true and what isn`t because my mom died a few years ago. 

My sister and I knew about it for years, though, so it wasnt really shocking, but it was still a blow to have our suspicions confirmed.

I still remember the Day he told me he had found a new Girlfriend. It was merely 5 Months after my mom died and i cried while he told me. He spoke about his new "Love" and i just sat there quietly crying. I dont think he cared tbh. 

My Mom died on the 20th February of 2022, when i was still 15. It was horrible. The first Person he called was his affair. The same year he wanted us to spend christmas with her. The day he told me and my sister i just couldnt hold it in anymore. I told him that i knew that he had cheated on my Mom and that his "new"gf was his affair. He tried to fucking deny it and then just went on about how it wasnt that bad(?????????). I acc made a recording of half of that fight and i still have it. I wouldn't listen to it again but i made it because some of the things he said were just unbelievable. I wasnt even sure if i heard them correctly. Anyways then we were "allowed to" spend christmas alone. Although he wasnt there for half the day because he was with here (which he was insisting on) and also on New Years Eve he slept at her place and spent the entire day with her and me and my sister were alone. Which was an amazing feeling for me and my sister. Anyways now, a year later he invited her over ON MY DEAD MOTHERS BIRTHDAY(6th december) which i still havent spoken to him about aaanddd my sister and all of my family (even from my mothers side) now thinks i just have to be fine with it now because apparently 1 year is enough of time to be mad for 12+ years of cheating.


BTW i still remember one Thing that happened one time where he was away on his weekly "card game with his friends" (which was just a sleepover at her place). My mom, sister and i were alone at home (my moms ALS was pretty bad but she was still able to walk (kind of)) and we were trying to watch a movie, but the Batteries of the remote were empty so she went to get some while me and my sister were emptying the dishwasher. The next thing we heard was a loud noise and we ran upstairs where my mom was half-laying on the floor with a huge laceration on the back of her head and we had to call the emergency service. I (then 13 y/o) had to hold a bloody towel on the back of my moms head, while holding her so she wouldnt fall down again, while my sister (then 16 y/o) called the emergency services and my father so he would come back home. 

Important Info: My sister had begged him to stay home that evening because she wasnt feeling too safe about being home alone with my sick mom and me, but he still decided to drive to his affair:3


Anyways so in conclusion this whole Experience not only gave me immense trust issues with any relatiponship but also Trauma and an (almost) Lifelong fear of also having ALS


p.s. Fyi what is prob important for this story: my dad is choleric and my mom died because of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease)

p.p.s. My dad made an expensive trip "alone" every year in november that he obv made w her, because he needed a break from me, my sister & my mom (father of the year right there!!)

p.p.p.s. sorry for my spelling mistakes, it is v late and i`m p tired:,)



Report Reply