my BPD & relationships

Having to be in a constant loop of myself destructiveness and maintaining my favorite person brings only good and bad. We aren't even together, FWB is our arrangement, but he's still my closest friend, which is why a part of me regrets this. I don't want to "date" at the moment, just the benefits, but I also know I want to keep him for myself, I know that's shitty, but I'm unfortunately greedy. He's shown me reasons not to fall for him, but the side of me who knows who i am and what I've done in ln life, guide me towards needing him because he gives me a sense of grounding, he keeps me somewhat stable, but there are times he makes me go off my rocker. Even as a kid I've always done shit like this to myself; going deeper into things i should've stopped sooner, knowing the outcome and still deciding to do it because that moment was then, trying to fix up one thing and if that doesn't work then just molding my life around it. A part of me wants to stop being so damn pathetic, i pride myself in independency, but the other part indulges in that behavior because it gives me a humble feeling, a feeling that takes my back to earth after it feels like I've been floating above myself. Trying to make something happen has never gone right for me, I need to learn to stop thinking otherwise or that in the long run i can handle it. I wish my mind would stop pushing my body to emotions it has trouble handling.