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A poem I wrote some time ago

Posted by Werella

posted

Forum: Poetry! Group

Hi guys, this is the first poem I have ever written so it's not good at all, but I thought I could post it over here :). Yeah this is the definition of bad poetry xd

An angel came for me

I laid in bed completely unaware,

Of the consequences for not saying my prayer.

An angel came for me.

I saw her come through my window,

I could do nothing but stare in awe.

She didn’t look like any angel on canvas,

Or any statue that was carefully crafted,

Her head was full of hay colored hair,

That wasn’t put in place,

As if she’d seen hell.

Her face was snow white,

She wasn’t molded from clay like humans,

She was molded from the finest marble,

Oh, but in her seams there were certainly tears.

Her wings were hidden from me,

Her halo was shining like a dying ember,

Her front tooth was missing,

Despite everything, she was breathtaking.

Her eyes bore into me.

I asked for the reason for her visit,

When she told me she came for my soul.

I didn’t even feel fear.

Her voice was like the smell of my mother’s perfume.

It brought me comfort.

My life flashed before me when she walked towards me.

She didn’t like doing this,

She seemed so reluctant.

She tells me I’m going to hell.

What is hell?

I have no idea,

But it cannot be terrible if a divine creature takes me there.

The angel shakes her head,

She says she went against God in her human life.

Now she has to collect souls to stay alive.

She’s scared of death.

I’m not.

The angel laughs.

She had already gone through death and what followed was terrible.

She’s not scared of dying,

She’s scared of what God would do after her death.

I’m not afraid of God.

She says I should be.

I tell her fear shouldn’t control her.

What does she want?

She tells me she doesn’t know,

But she doesn’t want to take my soul.

I tell her she doesn’t have to.

She hesitates.

Her sweet face looked so troubled.

I wanted to help her,

I wanted to save her,

I wanted to satisfy the ache in my heart.

I took her hand.

My lips connected with hers.

She kissed me back,

There was definitely fear in her still.

Her wings spread around me,

She wanted to hide us.

From what?

I didn’t know.

I could feel her heart beat against my breasts,

Even angels have hearts too.

She whispered many things to me.

I couldn’t understand a thing she was saying.

All I could focus on were the lines of her silhouette,

And my overflowing happiness.

She looked so happy too,

As if she could burst at any moment from the emotion,

And to my surprise, she did just that.

I felt my consciousness leave me.

I saw her face.

It looked full of regret,

But there was a hint of satisfaction.

I didn’t feel resentment though.

The angel did what she thought was right.

I couldn’t take her fear away.

We could have been happy,

But she made her choice.

I just hope she’d find bravery,

And I’ll find happiness amongst the flames.

I’ll always hold her dear though,

Because she came for me.


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Reply by ferretinsoup

posted

I really like the imagery in this1!! It's very immersive, especially for a first time (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

Something I noticed is that halfway through your poem, it starts to read less like the flow-y poetry you were going for at the beginning, and more like full sentences just put onto different lines. This is fine, if that's what you were going for, but in my opinion it starts to feel less like poetry and more like 

chopped up

sentences

that would be better off

simply being altogether.

Do you see what I mean in this example? I hope this does not come across as rude, it was just something I noticed1!! Aside from that, jolly good poem1!! (˶' ꒳ '˶)


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Reply by vaida

posted

I like this! it leaves lots of room for imagination.


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Reply by Echo

posted

Hello, I liked the details throughout your poem! The way you described the angel was the definition of perfect imperfections. I noticed you used a lot of repetitions, if that’s your style then kudos! Personally, I think more variety in your sentence structure can enhance your details. Like:

Elegant hay colored hair waved in a soft breeze 

Or smth like that, I’m also pretty new in poetry too!


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