I disgust myself…

I find myself disgusting most of the time; I’m 15, though I still think of myself to be disgusting, a freak, like what am I doing with my life; a boy classmate has to hold my hand or just poke me for a drama project and my brain gets aI'm fucked up making up bullshit scenarios about me and him even though I want nothing to do with. I was 14 at the time and falling, crushing over someone across the world from me and that’s also 2 times my age, 28 and my mind is that messed up to remain in contact with that man for a while. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why my brain thinks of this fucked up concept, I find myself disgusting every time one of those thoughts pop up, I’m a child I don’t want to be thinking these things…