I feel empty when I'm not with her

I jst idk I jst feel rlly empty like my brain and the world is sallowing me whole when I am not with her( my gf) and I jst feel selfish for making her ever worry about me when I'm sad, like when she first saw some of my sh scars and I jst don't know what to do anymore bc before I would grab my knife and let the pain ease my worries but my mom took away my knife and idrk know what to do anymore bc I jst feel disgusted when I look at myself, my scars make me want to puke and I feel so fat, flat and ugly and I feel like no matter what I do, even with my workouts and me starving myself I just feel so fat and ugly, I also just have like no motivation to do anything and the only time I've been happy in the last 4 years is when I'm at school with her and I rlly want her to be able to come over and hang out with me but my house is always filthy and my parents are tring to get better but I feel like my life is jst a endless cycle of pain and emptiness I can't even cry anymore, but yet I still feel so shity when my parents yell at me and jst feel so selfish that I am even complaining about my problems bc so many people have worse heck I jst had to talk my friend out of killing himself earlier this month and I also jst I if she wasn't in my life I would probably already dead but for now I'm jst rlly tired