Gay, Ace and how to not get a partner 101

 I have to admit the title is simply a hyperbole, things are much more complicated than that in real life.

 I mostly wanted to share my experience (or lack of) in the dating scene, and maybe ask for some opinions, thoughts or reassurance, I dunno.

 I first realized I was Ace when I was around 14ish y/o. At that time I thought it just meant I didn't feel attracted to anyone, though with time and knowledge I learnt what it really meant and how it was indeed Ace. For many years I had always tried to appease what was expected of me, my classmates would ask who i liked of the girls, bc of course, the most important thing is always heterosexual love, haha. I always said I liked a particular girl, but to be honest, I had never liked anyone at all.

 I grew up feeling weird about myself and not knowing what to do with this fact, as time passed I made peace with it. 

And then the gay part came, ugh. I had a real "crush" for the first time in high school, a popular boy back then, but it was... hard at first, I had to work through my internalized homophobia and my deep hatred of myself, but I came out just like the gods intented -and much to my dismay- as a lil gay ace boy, at the time at least.

 From then onwards, things went... plain. Knowing if I liked someone was such a hard task, since I did not have any sexual desires, it was so difficult to know if I really liked someone in the romantic sense, I could'nt ask for reference either, since none of my friends were ace at the time. On top of that I have trouble identifying how I feel most of the time bc of le autismé, so you can imagine the struggle I had to deal with all the time. 

Time has passed, and I'm still here, a little confused and... worried. Leaving my romantic dissapointments aside, a worry started to grow in the back of my mind: what if I never find someone that will love me, ace and all?

 I'm first and foremost ace, and having to live with the constant worry of any man I try to date simply leaving bc I don't wish to partake in sexual activities, terrifies me. I live in a fairly conservative place, all things considered. I've met many lgbt+ folks, of course, but asexuals are always hard to come by... 

I don't know, I know how in the male gay sphere sex is SO incredibly important, and I know it's a culture thing, and doesn't reflect on every single gay person, but... I don't know. It makes me feel deeply unlovable, without even taking into account all the other things going on with me.

 I've grown to hate that common phrase people say to me, I guess most have heard it at some point as well: "Love will come one day, you just have to be patient"

 I know there's a hint of truth in those words, but I can't help but resent them a bit, because it's so much more complicated for me. I'm not a cishet man, I don't like women, I don't like sex, my dating pool is so incredibly small and it seriously hurts to hear it, especially coming from people that can somewhat "conform" to the norms. Being ace is really isolating, even within our own communities. There's always that tired discourse about how asexual people don't belong in the LGBT+ community  bc we don't experience oppression in the same way other do (as a note: we do, f#ck all of you who say otherwise), but our experiences are so different! simply because we are Ace!

 I'm not trying to play victim, we all suffer over our own struggles, but it's so frustrating. As years pass, and as I look around, all these people being in love, all the time, everywhere, I can't help but wonder, when is it my turn? Why couldn't I get that at their age? even if flawed, messy and complicated, at least I could firmly declare I had something. 

 I ended up venting much more than I thought but yeah, if anyone wants to talk about their experience, I'm more than glad to listen. 

I hope the sun shines warm on your face tomorrow.

-Dann

(PD: I started every paragraph with "I" self-centered much? haha.)