VENT IT OUT!

I feel stuck in my past. Unable to move on from certain things or missing certain people that I wish were still around. I think about things I could've or should've said and it honestly eats me up inside. I think about the days when everything was so much easier and I was so care free, and now I feel like all I do is stress about things I can't change anymore.

im not sure anymore why i keep going . "u know u just gotta pull thru it" is what i wanna believe but i feel like im wayyyyyyyy too far gone i keep clinging to people who arent good for me and i know that but i need someone to depend on 

sometimes i think my past will forever prison me. i did think i deserve to be looked down upon and i still do for my present self. 

asijewjaiuehajwniuhgjfdgk going thru a sexuality crisis rn. so im bisexual right, well idk anymore cuz i fall in love with people romantically (pretty rarely but it still happens) but im too afraid to be in a romantic relationship due to past experiences, uncomfortableness, etc. and  kissing and sex is downright disgusting to me so my romantic interest in someone jsut fades into a desire for a friendship with them, non-platonic or platonic. i really like physical touch tho but the closest ill be comfortable with is tight hugs, face-touching, etc. and as i said, kissing is beyond my limit, only if its on the lips cuz i dont mind cheek-kissing. well anyways idk if im bi, aro, ace or aroace or something else i dont know exists blablablbalbablblablablabla half of this rant is pointless idek what im saying im just going thru a crisis mans

fuck my job, fuck this situation that I got stuck into, I'm tired fighting this battle and hope this ends right away.

i cant tell if i want to kill myself or just need help

I cant tell if my friends hate me or not,my dad keeps calling me rude stuff like a b*tch and a horrible person,I'm resisting the erge to doself harm, and I cant tell anyone or I will get in trouble

my friends are half the problem,if I tell the school counselor she has to tell my parents,if I tell my mom she will just say I'm fine and leave it at that,my dad would kill me,and my sister would say I'm overreacting

I'm about to explode and when I do I'm done for

i dont know how to deal with this

i have severe social anxiety and dont have any frnds

i dont even know how to make one

kinda confused  in life rn

I hate being aro-spec I don't how I feel about love, romance and all that dumb shit I don't even know if I ever felt romantic attraction ever, I thought I did but I feel like I was just lying and forcing myself to fit in with everyone. I hate real life romance everytime I see a couple or hear about it I feel uncomfortable and jealous. Jealous because I don't understand but I want to. I want to understand and live all that cringy romance stuff it sounds amazing but the idea of a relationship disgusts me. Maybe it's because I'm totally, constantly touch starved because physical touch was never a thing in my family and all my irl friends don't really like being touched so I don't want to force them unless they do it by themself and I'm someone who LOVES physical touch so ya...

Fictional romance / ships are totally okay for me, but only sometimes. Like I have no problem imagining scenarios and stuff, but I can't draw or write anything because again, it makes me feel uncomfortable. But I want to write and draw romantic stuff. It feels good thinking about it, but actually doing it ? Hell no.

Tbh honest I don't even know if it all makes sense, my throat hurts from crying, I can't sleep, I just can't keep trying to understand. This has been going on for months now and I never talk about it cuz it feels stupid to me. I've read other aro-spec people's experience but I fknd can't any to relate to. I'm just alone with those confusing feelings. I just want to understand dammit.

Tw: mentions of suicide and self loathing

I feel like my identity is a formless blob, there’s no identifying traits, just some strong but generic emotions and sometimes I can’t even seem to think of myself as a person. I feel like I need someone else to tell me who I am, but at the same time, I crave them to hate me and tell me the worst because I don’t think I’m a good person. It feels like lately I’ve been barely hanging on to any semblance of wanting to continue and I just can’t see a good life ahead of me bc I’m pretty sure I fucked it up before it could start. I don’t think I’m going to live past 30, I’m either gonna die from an accident or something or I’m gonna kill myself. That’s the only future I see for myself. By then I don’t think anyone will be sad, they’ll probably see enough of whatever I am to know I’m just a waste and only drags people down. I just don’t know where it went wrong. I don’t know what flipped this switch in my brain that just said “fuck everything up”, but I wish I could go back and turn it back off again. 

Social anxiety sucks, I hate feeling like I fuck everything up. If I feel like I'm being to "slow" I feel like I'm ruining someone's day... I always wanna talk to more people but it's always too overstimulating I feel like crying after every interaction 

mental health services are so shit in this country i have no choice but to let the delusions and unhealthy habits consume me

i feel like my relationships drain me out. i am tired of being either a personal psychiatrist or a personal crying illow and i am tired of being painted as an almost abusive people when all i did was joke with things very clear in context.
i know that maybe those jokes were kinda dark, but i thought we're at the point in the relationship to know that things like that aren't meant seriously and each other's actual opinions on the topic, not being fucking scolded :) 

I feel like the bad guy like I have checked out of the relationship with my boyfriend like I love him I truly do but he is harming me mentally he wants the consent 24/7 contact and like I need space like I want a good middle and every time I say this he pulls the woe is me and its driving me crazy like he is pushing my boundaries that I set up from the very beginning and I don't think I am really can't continue like this.