Wow so this is probably going to be too long of a post for what this is actually talking about so good luck reading.
~Connection to Self~
This isn't the philosophy section so I'll cut to the chase here. I feel quite a bit of disconnect between my own body and what I consider 'myself'. Ask my what haircut I have and it'll take me a second, as my mind immediately goes to the straight across bangs I had was a kid, even though I haven't had bangs like that for almost a decade. I generally avoid mirrors, because it's a bit of a trip. When I put on makeup, I'm only seeing the eyelid or the face texture, not my whole face at once. When I try on clothes, I'm specifically looking at how that piece of clothing fits, and the contours of the fabric. When I see myself in the third person (video usually) I am really taken aback by how I just... exist physically? and that other people can see that? Taking in my existence as a whole is generally off-putting.
There is some element of disgust (the feeling) as a knee-jerk reaction. I've wondered myself if it's some sort of dislike about my appearance. However, I actually really like seeing a variety of body shapes and sizes on social media (as an example) and don't find any one trait like fatness, messiness, crooked teeth, etc. to be particularly ugly. I only dislike traits on myself. And I've asked myself many times, "would you want X trait gone?" "yes" "why?" and then I draw a blank. Do I think of my body as ugly? No. But that's because I don't have any opinion of myself, which is the weird part.
The weirder part to me though is the... plurality? of my self identification. To be clear, I am not claiming DID or any other actual diagnosis, nor do I think that what I am experiencing is disordered enough to go to a doctor for.
I don't have many concrete examples, and it's hard to put into words. For example, I always use second person when I'm thinking about myself. "huh those shoes are a bit tight on you" "come on let's get you to bed" "check your phone". It's not someone else talking to me though. It's 'me' talking to 'myself'. But slightly different flavors of myself? Me with a 'parent' accent talking to me with a 'kid' accent, or me with a 'mean' accent or 'shy' accent etc. I'll be in the grocery store like the responsible adult that I am and yet when I see a pie in the baking section all of a sudden it's "OOO look there's a pie! Can we get it?" "No, you don't need the sugar" "But it's on sale..." "well how about we go get X instead?" "but PIEE" etc etc. It's quite annoying at times.
And the thing is, if someone were to ask me "Which voice is the real 'you'?" I wouldn't have a good answer for that. Because it's both, and neither, and yes, but also no. I don't remember when things weren't like this. I even assumed before that 'self control' was simply not giving in to the part of you that always wants to play games and eat candy all the time. To be clear, there's no amnesia or headaches or trauma or most of the other symptoms for something like DID.
I was talking to my therapist before about not knowing what my own identity was, and we went over an exercise about my preferences for different things. I do know what I like. I know what I don't like. These things just don't come together into a coherent concept for me. I like both fluffy dresses and band tees, but liking each feels very different. Liking boba and liking popcorn feel very different.
~Feelings/Emotions~
To be frank, I am pretty sure I am somewhat autistic. I don't know the actual extent but keep that in mind.
It's really hard to understand what I'm feeling most of the time, and even harder to describe it to other people. I almost always know whether I feel generally more 'good' 'bad' or 'neutral' though, which is a start. How can you describe the little twinge in your chest is twinging in a way that means if I read some fluff fic it will make me feel better vs the way it feels that means if I read the exact same thing it will make me feel more lonely? It's a difference in feeling I can tell based on experience.
Lots of times I can't even tell what I'm feeling in the moment and it takes reflection in order to identify what it was. I'll feel /something/ during a conversation, not know what exactly it was, and keep talking about it. Sometimes talking about the thing will increase this tension and I'll just.. start crying. So both the other person and I are a little taken aback and not know how to fix it. And unfortunately this happens with anger too so it's quite unhelpful if I'm trying to get my point across.
You wouldn't think that having a processing delay would affect feelings that much, but it's one of those things that seem innocuous until you use it in some scenarios. My dad said my boyfriend was never going to move in with me while I was in this house (I don't live with my parents, but in a house they own) no if's and but's. And obviously that made me feel /something/. It wasn't until after I thought about that interaction on my own and processed it that I realized I was feeling hurt by that. By the assumption that my boyfriend was bad for me, that I don't understand what moving in means in a relationship, and that he still is expecting us to break up really toxic. See, after a few days I can't just go and bring up these grievances, everyone has moved on. So the feeling stays.
When I catch feelings for something, it's a lot all at once. People say that it's not healthy to bottle things up, but how else am I supposed to function? It's either shelve it now and go to work or be unable to do anything. When I do stuff, most of the emotional baggage associated with everything else gets tucked away. If I can't separate me crying in bed from me heading to work then I can't do either thing with the attention it deserves. My clients and coworkers deserve me giving my full focus and so do I when I am feeling bad.
I know that time heals most wounds, but I find that to me it just means that everyone moves on from that topic. The wound would still hurt but what is more important is the here and now and their current and future actions. To me, what helps diminish my anger or sadness towards the topic is the amount of time I have spent thinking it over and processing it and just feeling the feelings associated with that. Time doesn't, but I can choose to do it myself for myself.
Quite frankly, part of why I'm typing everything out like this is because I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and articulating everything takes time for me.
~Gender~
I (fortunately?) know quite a bit about gender as a concept. Which for figuring out my own, isn't particularly helpful. For example, because I know that gender is something that people perform, I can tell that when I interact with others I default to 'woman' and yet I am uncomfortable calling myself one. Appearance wise, I know that I look and dress like a woman (I do enjoy dresses) and that me being really short also contributes to that.
Gender identity and expression aren't necessarily linked though, so liking dresses doesn't make me any more of a woman than having breasts.
I've had dreams where I've had a dick, but that also means very little. Daydreaming about a dick is slightly more queer than a dream, but again, means little overall.
'Feeling' like a man or a woman or non-binary is less of an actual feeling and more of adopting the social concept for yourself. I know plenty about the social concept, but annoyingly little about how that applies to ME.
Unfortunately I adapt quickly to social situations to meet expectations, including gendered ones.
Could I be some kind of non-binary? maybe. Could I just be a woman who's over-complicating things? also maybe.
Gender is complicated and (as seen above) so are people and me also.
~~~
TL;DR: idk bro, thoughts be weird.
Feel free to add opinions, comments, etc.