The Lamb And The Knife

What must it be like, losing your blood to the world and its temporal affairs. What must it be like sitting and crying wishing you had chosen something different and then maybe your blood would've spilled on the holy carpet. What must it be like to be like this every single day? I cry and then I calm down, I pace around then I sit down. Do you too? Sometimes I question what sins did I commit but then which ones did you? Maybe you’re right, this all a test, this is all an exam but i've never been intelligent and Id like to be this way

What must it be like to be the lamb and to be the knife? What must it be like to feel something you were never supposed to? What must it be like to one day wake and realise you’re what you were trying to solve? The same expression, the same voice, the same face. The blood and so our fates meet at the crossroads but they diverge and the meeting point aches, it cuts deep through my skin, it churns away my flesh and the dust settles in her tears. 

I like to think you love me and maybe you do, I hope you do, please. I think you’re so cruel, then to kill me my brain projects an image of you smiling with me. I never wished to be what you wanted, I thought I’d never want it, but now the longer the lie, the deeper the cuts. Now I wish I was what you wanted me to be, is it so hard to believe in something you don’t. For your sake I’ll live with it, but for my sake I need to let it go.

You cry so much, I'm sorry. You cling to the hope I'll come back, but you never had me. But I'm sorry, I'm so insolent. I love you, I do. More than myself. Heaven knows how I didn't try, heaven knows how I don’t want to try but you’re the only reason I am such a master of crafts.

I don’t hate you, how can I? I have your face, your blood, your fate. You were all I knew till I knew nothing.

What happened to the malls we went? What happened to the time I thought we had to spend? What happened to the photos when you smiled at me so promisingly? What happens to the child who followed your scarf like her lifeline? What happened to all the movies we never saw? What happens to the silence I demand so much after you leave? Why do I feel such dread? What happens after we all leave? What happens after you’re lowered down? Where will I go? Where will I look for you? I wish you were different but never wished you weren't my mother. Maybe I did, but why do I feel this? These walls run to eat me when you’re not here, these roofs collapse over me when you’re not here, these floors open and swallow me when you’re not here.

You were my first religion, my first god, what happened? When did I become so ugly? Why did I become so ugly? Answer me please one day. I’ll lower myself with you in the ground, you’re my mother, i hope youll hug me still? I can picture it so well, your arms open as you invite me and my bones shrink and my skin is reborn, and we’re sparking again as you kiss my forehead and I fall asleep and my last sight is your face. I hope that you won’t feel bothered by me, you’re the only home I have, please don't exile me. I don't know how to find my way.

please ignore the grammatical mistakes this is not proofread and english is not my first language cause fuck english bitch

~zita