Would you be okay losing it all?

we journal for various reasons. something drives us to carry abound a book, write, spill everything onto a page or type on a document. Passion, need, time and energy painstakingly put into these pages. And it could all be lost in an instant.

I struggle with mental health. I could say keeping journals help, but really, keeping journals is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from losing it. I need lists. I need things written down, perfect, visually pleasing, I need things in a way I understand them. It's control. It's often my thoughts or events from a day I don't want to lose to the waves of amnesia or details of a game or detailed lists of projects i'm working on. One day some water spilled and I didn't notice. Until my diary was sitting in a puddle of water. I was immediately triggered. Panicked, frantic. unconsolable. I freaked out. Slammed my sketchbook into the wall until the pages were ripped from the cover. Similarly, I've ripped out pages of noted that took hours because of a slight mistake. Losing my work felt like losing everything important to me.

My diary was fine. That was almost 2 years ago now. the ink is blurry but readable. And things have changed. I'm still obsessive. I still turn to journals and books to calm down, to process. But now... I'd be okay if it all ended, I think. Rather... I'm so fucking tired. And I've lost something so much more important to me than a book. I think If every book was destroyed, if every blog was suddenly deleted, I would feel like part of me died. But it'd be salvation. It'd free me like a mercy kill. I could walk away from the maniac in those journals, the man desperate for someone to care writing those blogs. At least for a while.

So my question Is:

If your journals, scrapbook, blog, whatever, was suddenly gone, how would you feel? why? What is the connection between the passion that drives you to create and the feelings of acceptance or insane grief that would follow it being gone? 

x crossbones x