Annotations of Life

I was excited for a life that never belonged to me. My entire purpose is to watch other individuals grow and live their lives. My life was never mine to live. As a child I was eager to see what the future held for me, what growing up felt like, what having a sibling was like, what high school was going to be like, what going on family road trips was like, and what having mom and dad be there for me was like. Every time I see a picture or video of me as a child I feel like completely dismantling myself from this reality. I do not need "help", what I needed was a loving family and siblings to lean on. 

I tried to fit in, but the more I do so the more I realize that I am not meant for this life. I will be a 25 year old who wasn’t schooled properly, 34 year old who barely had a family, a 43 year old who has no siblings, a 57 year old who never understood what it means to have a family to lean on, and a 78 year old who spent her childhood playing in a broom closet by herself. 

I am to be an observer, nothing more and nothing less. I must observe every individual around me grow and experience things that I can only dream of. I have to witness people being blessed, all while the generous hands of God purposefully forgot me. “I too exist!” I scream out hoping that He would hear and change my father’s hatred for me, that He would allow me the gift of having a sibling, or even the privilege of being able to attend a school. He looked away and instead forced me to observe the individuals around me receive joy in the form of a new baby sibling. 

I yelled and I prayed and I cried and I begged to no avail. I lashed out in anger and sadness, hoping that someone somewhere would hear me and understand me and pull me out of the immense misery I was feeling. I will turn 20 soon and no one has ever offered me their hand to at least attempt to pull me out of this. 

No one has ever put their hands over my ears to silence the noise. The noise gets louder every day, there will be a day when the noise is deafening. 

I am scared, I don’t want to go to hell, I don’t want to experience eternal suffering for a life that was chosen for me. All I wanted was to be a participant, not an onlooker.