Writing from a year ago about being transgender

(I have never shared my writing publicly please be kind. This took a lot of courage)

your sense of self has always been skewed. 

who are you?

you’re young so you don’t need to know right now. 

you know people call you a girl, 

your mom calls you her “daughter”;

you don’t understand why.

you learn the difference between boys and girls eventually,

but this doesn’t apply to you.

what are you?

you start puberty.

you know its the girl kind from what your mother has taught you. 

you dont like it. 

with each change you feel your stomach twist and your throat itch,

its an allergic reaction.

what are you? 

the older you get the sicker you feel, 

you cant stop the itching.

you dont want to die.

its getting hard to breathe. 

the more medicine you take the more relief you acquire, with a loss of self. 

your throat doesn’t itch, but you dont know what you are in a new way. 

are you a human being? 

maybe if you try being a boy you’ll turn back into a human. 

you dont. 

you are devoid of humanity, but at least you are a boy now.

as much of a boy you can be.

how can you live in a world of humans? how can you make them think you’re one too? 

you put up a good front;

nobody knows you’re not human. 

people are drawn to you heavily,

 you don’t understand why. 

eventually they see the facade,

then they avoid. 

what are you? 

who are you? 

are you human? 

are you a boy? 

are you a girl? 

these questions dont matter

you are the pills children think are candy.

you are a beautiful flower that is deadly. 

you are the sickly sweet smell of gasoline. 

you are so inciting and alluring,

but you are meant to be avoided.