Overview; feedback wanted

Hi everyone.

I recently wrote this ~4,000 word character backstory which I'm considering turning into a novella.

Would anybody be willing to read it and give me some feedback on the plot/themes? Anything at all (good or bad) would be greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: this piece depicts themes and events which may be distressing to some readers, including familial abuse, suicide and the death of a young child.

Thomas Carmody was born in 21XX, in outer Douglass. His mother, Lucy Carmody, was typically negligent and passive, while his father, Martin Carmody, tended to be extremely strict and borderline abusive. His sister, Alice, was born in 21XX and the strain it put on Lucy resulted in Martin’s mental health deteriorating. When Alice was five years old, Lucy died from a fever and Martin’s abuse significantly intensified. His refusal to care for Alice meant that Thomas, himself only ten years old, was forced to carry out many basic parenting tasks.

It was at Thomas’ primary school in Douglass that he met his girlfriend (and only friend), Susie Christodoulopoulous. Susie had a similarly troubled home life and the two fast became friends. But while Thomas tended to be quiet, logical and timid, Susie was loud, assertive and reckless. Her favourite pastime was throwing stones at the railway bridge behind the school, and Thomas would occasionally watch her do this as they chatted about their lives.

From the time Susie and Thomas were 13, they were practically co-parenting Alice, then herself only 7. Alice was an imaginative young girl who took a strong liking to Susie’s carefree attitude and cavalier nature, although her impulses were better controlled and she took after elements of Thomas’ logical thinking. 

Thomas’ relationship with Susie took a romantic turn when they were both 14, but not very much changed. They were already spending almost every moment in each other’s company, whether they were looking after Alice together, or skipping school to meet at the railway, or leaving Alice with trusted adults so they could walk around the city and explore their little world together. Thomas was a reliable person who Susie could leverage for favours and support, and Susie was an imaginative person who would indulge in Thomas’ desire for escapism and fantasy of a happy life.

While they often talked about their own circumstances or shared interests together, a favourite topic of theirs also happened to be suicide. Susie’s older brother, whom she admired greatly, took his own life at the age of 11 and this imbued within her a deep attraction to the idea of killing herself and emulating his escape of the dreary life she was stuck in. These urges gradually faded over time as she befriended Thomas, but as both of their home lives began to deteriorate in their teen years she began to revisit the concept and would bring it up incessantly. It would range from serious discussions about her suicidal ideation to elaborate jokes and fantasies about increasingly absurd ways to take her own life.

These jokes slowly began to involve Thomas in them, and soon the two were bantering casually about ways they might kill themselves. The tone of this banter began to gradually shift away from satire and towards a genuine desire to create a suicide pact. The idea appealed to Thomas as a way to escape from his own dreadful circumstances, and since Susie talked about the idea so casually he rarely viewed it with the seriousness and permanence it deserved.

The only thing which would slow down their quickly developing plan to die together was a harsh reminder that Alice still relied on them. Martin, who had been drinking during the workday, arrived home one day with a trace more malice in his eyes than usual. Thomas naturally avoided him, and tried to get his sister to do the same, but she made a minor slip-up and aroused his anger. He ‘disciplined’ her for her mistake (dropping a piece of tableware) by beating her, and in the end he rendered Alice bruised and unconscious. She was only nine years old. When Susie heard of the news from Thomas the next day, she became enraged and began to ramble about how they ought to kill Martin in an act of revenge and run away with Alice. Thomas couldn’t bring himself to disagree with the notion.

They worked on this idea fervently over the next few days and eventually determined that killing him would prove difficult and unnecessary, but there was no question in their minds about whether it was the right choice to run away from their homes with Alice. She didn’t deserve to remain in the household with Martin and risk being abused any further.

The time they spent with Alice in the days after her beating only solidified their bond with her and shattered any doubt about whether or not they needed to protect her. They helped her get back to health until she was smiling and telling stories and skipping along with her usual vigour, then spoke to her about their plan to run away. Alice was young and looked up to both of them greatly, so she agreed to the plan without hesitation.

Susie had insisted to the two of them that her grandmother, from whom her parents were estranged, would be willing to take them in if they could reach her house a short hike away from their current neighbourhood. Alice began to fantasise about the perfect family life that would follow, and although sceptical, Thomas allowed himself to believe that things may genuinely improve.Thomas’ logical, grounded thinking and Susie’s unbridled ambition combined to create a plan which was risky, but ultimately necessary and considered.

When the night came to actually enact their plans, Alice became nervous beyond consolation and started hyperventilating while packing her bag. Susie and Thomas desperately consoled her to prevent her from making noise and risking waking Martin, and in the end they managed to get her ambling along quietly. They fled out the back door of the Carmody residence with their breath held, and as they stepped over the threshold Thomas was at once plunged into ice-cold, gut-wrenching dread. This plan was doomed to fail and he could feel it in his core.

Thomas and Susie, both only 15 years of age each, took Alice by the hands and ran, literally, into the freezing cold wilderness. 

They eventually slowed down their pace to a medium hike and travelled through the relatively flat terrain of the woods along the path Susie had memorised. Alice, although still nervous, whispered fantastical stories under her breath to keep her mind occupied, and Thomas didn’t stop her.

It was very early in the morning when the trio finally reached Susie’s grandmother’s house. Thomas held Alice by the hand and stood just shy of the porch while Susie knocked on the door. When there was no reply, she intensified her knocking until a light came on in the house and someone dragged themself to the door. Susie’s grandmother stood before them and surveilled the three dishevelled looking children before her, looking profoundly unimpressed. Thomas could feel the dread building up in his throat once again as Susie’s pleading soon turned into yelling and then into screaming.

Susie had severely misjudged the generosity of her estranged relative, who outright refused to take them in and threatened to call law enforcement to collect them. One of Susie’s uncles trudged out from the house behind her and grabbed Alice to prevent the trio from running away, and before Thomas could interfere to protect her, she bit the man. The situation at once developed into a scuffle, as the adults attempted to seize the children and the children attempted to fight back. 

The trio were forced to flee when a third adult emerged from the house, but in the process of escaping from grapples, both Alice and Susie had lost their backpacks, and Alice had been unintentionally struck over the head and minorly concussed. She was dragged back into the wilderness in a hurry by the two teenagers, and scarcely had the strength to keep on walking. Thomas had to carry her on his back for a portion of the journey as they fled through the woods, before the three of them tired out and decided that they needed to rest. They still had Thomas’ backpack of food, but during their trek a portion of the fabric had torn and many of the smaller foodstuffs they’d brought with them had unknowingly fallen into the mud. Susie became furious at Thomas for not noticing the missing weight of the cans, and Thomas withdrew into himself to avoid addressing the guilt. Susie only stopped her verbal assault when Alice burst into tears, and both teenagers adjourned to try to console her.

Their first night of freedom was spent sleeping on the forest floor, with little to no shelter and only crackers in their stomachs. The only thing protecting them from the elements were their coats and a large boulder which acted as something of a windbreak, but the only way they could stop their shivering was to share their body heat. They slept in a heap on the ground with Alice between the two teenagers, as she was the smallest and by far the most ill.

Alas, their dreary conditions were weighing on them heavily and they all began to deteriorate - none more so than Alice. She became pale and reserved, and when she walked it was only small shuffles.

Thomas understood just how dire their circumstances were - if they went another night without food or shelter, he wasn’t sure if they were going to be able to survive. Susie’s feet were already beginning to get frostbitten, Thomas had lost all feeling in his ears, and all three of them were becoming unbearably hungry. They decided to divide the labour the next afternoon after finishing the rest of the provisions they could salvage - Thomas would burgle a home for food, while Susie would look after Alice and find a place for them to shelter overnight.

Leaving the two girls, Thomas trekked to a small nearby housing community and surveilled it until he found an unoccupied home. He knew he would have only very limited time to search the house before the occupants came back from work, so he smashed a back window in a great haste and scrounged about the house for less than ten minutes for supplies. He managed to steal a bag of canned food, a blanket, and a new pair of boots roughly his size before slipping out the back door and back to the rendezvous point.

Susie had managed to locate a derelict mill from the Eastern Union era which had been abandoned and forgotten about amidst the war. Although a portion of the brick building had collapsed, the old site manager’s office still had four walls and was a decent enough windbreak.

They managed to build a small fire out in the factory floor and cooked up some of the cans they’d stolen. Alice became a little bit more cheery when she was on a full stomach, and Thomas allowed himself to bite back the freezing dread and hope for a moment that their adventure may have some sort of happy ending after all. Susie remained defiantly optimistic about their future and outright denied many of their problems - she was simply certain that her plan was going to turn out fine, and perhaps the three of them would be able to find a cabin out in the woods together, and live there until they were happened across by a friendly local who would adopt them.

Alice latched onto the story and spun a hopeful tale of their futures until she fell into a light sleep. Thomas and Susie allowed themselves to rest, too.

Their sleep was cut unfortunately short in the early hours of the morning when the two of them awoke to the sound of the young Alice sobbing. Thomas crawled over in his delirious state to comfort her, and discovered that she was too weak to stand. Bewildered, he and Susie examined her to find the source of her illness, but were unable to turn up anything. The room was relatively warm, Alice had just eaten a meal, and she was well enough bundled up in her coats.

When Alice’s condition only deteriorated and her skin became hot to the touch, the two began to realise that they may need to seek out a doctor. They figured that a medical professional would be willing to attend to them without turning them in to law enforcement, but as they formed their plan to find one they were startled by a sound coming from the factory floor.

After making them out to be footsteps, approaching the office, Thomas and Susie were quick to hide Alice under the blankets and then duck behind whatever furniture was on hand. Into the room strode a squatter, who looked to be in just as bad a state as the teenagers. They’d have felt some sympathy for him if it weren’t for the gun he was wielding.

Once he discovered Thomas hiding behind a desk, he brandished the hunting rifle at him and began shouting at him, interrogating him for his intentions. He believed that Thomas was here to capture him and turn him in to the police, or steal his food, or else harm him in some other way. Thomas was stammering in his attempts to defend himself, and he was likely seconds away from being shot when the squatter was distracted by the sound of Alice crying. When he turned the gun away from Thomas and momentarily pointed it in the young girl’s direction, Susie leapt out from her hiding place and attacked the squatter with a piece of concrete she’d found in the debris.

The man was knocked to the ground, and Thomas was quick to leap on him and try to assist Susie in pinning him down. He fought back viciously, and he was beginning to overpower them when his rifle was accidentally fired during the scuffle. All four people in the room were startled by the noise, but Susie was the quickest to recover and she smashed a fist over the stranger’s nose, knocking his head back into the brick wall behind him. He slumped to the ground, and after a moment both teenagers could ascertain that he was not getting back up in a hurry. Thomas quickly seized the man’s gun from the floor, and as they began to recover from the fight, he and Susie were shocked by yet another sound: vehicle engines.

The sound of their fight had drawn the attention of locals, who panickedly contacted law enforcement when they heard the gunshot. Susie was quick to piece together what was going on when she heard the engines approaching, and frantically explained to Thomas that they needed to flee. The law enforcers might assume they attacked the squatter, and arrest them, or worse, they might return the children to the custody of their parents. They were certain this would condemn them all back into the cycle of abuse and render their efforts worthless, so they picked up Alice together and fled the mill in a hurry. The squatter awoke from his daze at some point and slipped away into the wilderness, he himself just as eager to avoid running into law enforcement.

Alice’s condition had worsened even further since awakening. If she was reserved earlier, now she was practically desponded: she was pale, limp, and spoke very little. They managed to reach a clearing which would offer a somewhat appropriate place to camp, and Susie got to work setting up a fire over which they could cook the last of the food they had with them.

Thomas sat with his sister and quietly comforted her while Susie laboured over the fire, but he felt the dread filling every part of his body. Alice’s breaths were getting more irregular, and shallower as the day turned to night. While Susie was placing another damp log over their meagre fire, the little girl whispered something to Thomas. When he asked her to repeat what she’d said, there came no reply. He asked her again, but when realised with a shock like a physical blow that she’d stopped breathing. The last traces of life had slipped from her, and within seconds her already faint pulse cut out.

When Susie found out what had happened, she wanted to be angry, and wanted to scream at Thomas and curse him and blame him for all of the mistakes he’d made, but her fiery attitude was strangled by the cold hand of dread. For the first time, she really felt it too. She quietly trudged over and held the body with him and cried.

After hours of huddling on the forest floor around the dead girl, crying until the tears had completely run out, their minds were eerily clear. There was a silence between them which they’d never felt before, and which they broke only with murmurs and whispers. They wrapped her body in their only blanket and tried to dig a grave for her, using their hands or the butt of the rifle they’d taken from the squatter, but it was useless. The energy had been sapped from them when they lost Alice and the ground was frozen solid. 

After a short while of struggling uselessly with the grave, Susie’s thoughts turned back to the inception of their mission. They’d run away to save Alice, and the idea of compromising her safety was the only thing stopping them from taking their own lives together. When she barely parted her lips and murmured the idea of revisiting their old suicide pact, Thomas nodded. They unanimously agreed that it was the only feasible outcome of this situation, and so Susie picked up the gun once more.

She was always the more impulsive of the two, and so she volunteered to go first. She clumsily cycled the bolt of the rifle, took a steadying final breath, and gave a sorrowful glance at Thomas. He started to nod, but before he finished the gesture she pulled the trigger. The shot barked through the forest and rang in Thomas’ ears so loudly that he did not hear her hit the ground when she fell. He shuffled across the forest floor to her body, the weight of absolute dread weighing on him, and he picked up the gun. He barely overcame the force pushing down on him to stand up and cycle the rifle’s bolt again, and once a round was in place he aimed the gun at his chin with shaky hands and pulled the trigger.

But in his anguish, his aim was unsteady. The shot went awry and tore through his cheek instead of his palate, disabling him and rendering him unconscious rather than ending his life. As he lay still and bleeding on the ground, his lungs took in a desperate, raspy breath, hopeful of the approaching dawn and the fate that still awaited him.

Thomas woke up to the harsh light of the sun attacking his senses, disoriented by the head injury and in agonising pain from the open wound through the entire left side of his jaw. Towering over him were a group of locals and law enforcement officials, their faces a mix of shock and pity as they surveyed the tragic scene Thomas was left in. When he was discovered to be alive, brisk first aid was performed on him as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

He was discovered to be a citizen and as such was taken to a local hospital. A basic investigation by law enforcers revealed that Susie had committed suicide and Alice had died of natural causes, so Thomas was absolved of any guilt in their deaths. 

The weeks he spent at the hospital were a haze of corrective surgeries and therapy sessions. The extent of his injuries quickly became clear as he began the recovery process, as he struggled with even the most basic of tasks. Every movement he made was a reminder of the bullet’s devastating impact; his speech had been reduced to a slurred whisper and his motor functions were severely impaired by the brain damage. Much of his daily struggle was lessened with each operation and each passing day in recovery, until he was able to walk assisted with a cane and manage to utter intelligible sentences with great effort.

When the time came for him to be discharged, his father finally decided to show up at the hospital to collect him. Unfortunately, he arrived armed with a hunting knife, intent on finishing what he believed Thomas had started. When the two laid eyes on each other, Thomas was at once filled with the same icy dread that had been haunting his dreams each night, and Martin was filled with fury at his son’s actions. He lunged forward and tried to grapple him to the floor, but the sudden commotion aroused the attention of hospital security. 

Although Thomas was knocked to the ground in the first few seconds of the scuffle, Martin was quickly tackled, and when he tried to fight back against security with his blade, one of the security guards shot him. The sound of the gunshot had Thomas slipping back into his nightmares, but the sight of his father’s lifeless body was a powerful enough image to pull his thoughts away. The image imbued him with a complex mix of fear, anger, and a strange sense of liberation.

Following his father’s death, Thomas was discharged from the hospital and placed in an orphanage. The transition was harsh; the orphanage was a cold, unwelcoming place where he was met with suspicion and cruelty. When he communicated a little bit about his past, people were quick to connect him to the stories they’d heard in the news. Rumours quickly spread that he had murdered his sister and girlfriend, making him a complete outcast among the other children of the orphanage. Thomas withdrew into himself for lack of a better defence mechanism, his ability to communicate skewed by his still present speech impediment and his psychological trauma. 

In the oppressive atmosphere of the orphanage, Thomas’ mental health quickly deteriorated once again. The weight of his loss and the constant bullying pushed him back to the brink of despair, and he found himself fixated on suicide once again. He saw simply no other way to escape his suffering. One night, he fashioned a noose out of his bedding and headed out to the storage shed behind the dormitory.

Moments before he was about to carry out the act, another boy from the orphanage entered the shed, having followed Thomas there out of suspicion. When he saw the noose and realised his intent, he spoke to him with an urgency and an empathy that Thomas had not encountered in a long time. He broke down crying and the other boy shared his own experiences of loss and pain, convincing Thomas that there was still hope yet that he might be able to experience a human connection.

Gradually, he started to find a sliver of hope in his circumstances. He opened up to the boy that saved his life in the shed, and consequently began to make other friends and connections at the orphanage. His peers persuaded him to try finding some way to keep his mind occupied, so Thomas turned to the creative arts. He began to work with clay or with paints or pencils or any other artistic medium he could get his hands on, and slowly his mental health began to improve. Some of the other children at the orphanage found a way to look past the rumours about him and, through his art, they could get a glimpse of the depth of his character.

By the time he turned eighteen, he was just about ready to leave the orphanage. He had spent two years in recovery since tying the noose, and although scars both superficial and fundamental still plagued him, he had learned to live some semblance of a normal life. He found work as a manual labourer at a mine in Douglas to get accommodation and a little money. The physical toll of the work was harsh but a necessary distraction from his inner turmoil. The routine and discipline of his new lifestyle gave him a sense of stability, and he began to imagine a future which wasn’t dominated by despair and ghosts of the past. However, his reprieve was short-lived. He received a draft letter in his company PO box, and was conscripted into the NEAF.