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Hi everyone. Now I usually don't vent on the internet, but lately my mental health has been so bad and it feels like I have no one to turn to for help.
!!!! TW: mentions of su!c!de, s3lf h4rm, eating disorder, r@pe, etc. (Please do not read if any of these topics may trigger you.)
I'm not diagnosed with anything (Depression, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, etc.) Though I definitely believe I have depression and a few other things. I suspect that I might possibly have bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder but I also think my traits could be caused by depression or maybe something else, I'm not too sure.
Lately, I've been feeling extremely depressed. I have a ton of harmful and suicidal thoughts. I'm only 16, I've talked to my mom about getting me therapy before but she never has even tried to get me a therapist. She's aware that I may be autistic, depressed, have ADHD and anxiety but she has not even looked into getting me diagnosed. I also struggle with eating and I have issues with my body image. My mother is aware I barely eat sometimes but she doesn't seem to really care.
Since I was around 12 I've felt very depressed, but it wasn't until I was around 13 that I actually started having suicidal thoughts and started to physically harm myself. Now, I'm currently 3 months clean but everyday I debate if it's worth it or not to relapse. I want to so bad but I know I shouldn't, I know it won't make me feel better but I can't help but think about doing it anyway. It wasn't until I was about 14 that I started to starve myself. Originally I did it because I felt that I did not deserve to eat, I did it as a way to punish myself. A few months ago I started to have issues with how I look. I hate my body, and there's two reasons why. Reason number one is because I'm a transgender man, I hate looking so feminine and I wish I looked more masculine. Reason number two is because I think I look fat, my thighs are too thick and I don't look skinny enough. For reference, I am 4'9 and I weigh around 100 pounds (I was born female as well). I know I'm not fat but for some reason I think I look fat. I feel ugly, I believe I look ugly. I don't even understand how my boyfriend can stand me or can think I'm pretty. I feel stupid, I am stupid like actually stupid. I need help with pretty much everything, I can barely make decisions on my own. I can barely do anything without someone telling me how I need or should do it, what I should do, etc.
Whenever I start to feel happy I feel guilty, I feel that I don't deserve to be happy. But when I feel upset or sad I start to feel like I'm just doing it for attention, like I'm just trying to play the victim or something. I don't know.
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Childhood trauma & whatever:
I'm not sure if I can consider it trauma but I guess I could - When I was 8 my father got arrested, I cried for hours because I was so confused and my mother wouldn't tell me what was going on. I just remember watching TV in my grandma's room one night and then my mom came in and said we had to go, we couldn't pack anything we just had to go. My granny came and picked us up and from then we lived in her house with her and my aunt. I never understood what was going on, my mom said that when I was old enough she would tell me why my father got arrested. She never did though, but I didn't need her to. I figured it out myself. Unfortunately, my father did some bad things to my sibling. That's where I'll end that, but since I was 8 I had grown up without a father figure. When I was 11 my mom started dating my sister's father again, everything was fine for the first few months. And then they started to argue, it was occasional and I didn't think much of it at first. They started to argue more and more, and then in July of 2023 they broke up. We still lived with my sister's father since we hadn't found a place to go yet. In October, 2023 my sister's father kicked my mother and then that night got arrested and charged for a felony. (He did not just kick her but threatened to commit suicide in front of all of us - my brother, sister, mother and myself - in a very horrible way.) That man had always made me uncomfortable, from the one time I walked downstairs in my pajamas and he made a comment about my breasts (I was 15, he's in his 30s.) to the time he made a comment about an outfit I was wearing. I was wearing a sweater and leggings and he commented on my leggings. - He's done a lot of things I'll just say. I have a fear of men because of my father and step father,
There's a lot more to say but I've said enough for now.
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