the importance of forgiveness

i'm currently off social media so i don't know if anyone is really going to see this post and i won't know until summer, but guys forgiveness is actually so important (i think). let me explain. 

people have been really shitty to me for like no reason since i can remember. it may be the autism, but i was always super sweet and naturally understanding. about 2 years ago i started being a real bitch because i wanted to feel more in control and less hurt when people would treat me like shit. 

it worked. life was a lot easier and i did feel majorly less hurt, and even attracted friends with a similar mindset. i found comfort in the belief that other people only want to cause me harm, and a weird superiority complex. i was very unforgiving.

while i made friends, i lost so many friends because of my black and white (/ "good person, bad person") view of other people. it was sometimes their fault. funnily enough though, after watching bojack horseman i became really scared of being remembered as this hyper cynical person and i didn't want to die alone pretending to be someone else. life is short

i also realised that it isn't as simple as "good people" and "bad people", but we are literally just reflections of the actions we choose to make. it's more like "people who try" and "people who don't". however, the majority of us are trying.

everyone is flawed, and as weird as it is to come to terms with - not everyone is good at being good. as long as they're genuinely trying to be better, and it is somewhat working, you should see them for the progress they're making instead of the mistakes. 

it does sound crazy to us naturally okay people, but for example i may be "nice" but also not good at genuinely remembering things about other people and i'm not an active listener. i have very strong loyalty values and am not good at apologising. sometimes i can't comprehend how my own deteriorated mental health affects the people around me. those flaws are just as real.

i'm not saying you MUST forgive someone who has run you over 10 times with their car and kidnapped your dog, but change is very difficult and i think it is kind-of our responsibility to support those who really want to. i think being able to forgive people as long as it isn't too much of a threat to ourselves is a really courageous and beautiful thing.