venting. I feel pointlessly desperate.

Question

This is the third time I've copy and pasted this. I don't even know why at this point. I don't need help so doing this is pointless. at this point I cant control my overreacting desperation. no one should be forced to be a therapist. There are people who are off way worse than me. part of me hopes no one sees this. My mind is just trying to use reverse psychology. I don't want sympathy yet I go here to burden other with my issues that are my fault. I hate myself.

Hey, this is stupid and egotistical of me to do but honestly I don't know what to do anymore. The paragraph below was copy and pasted from an earlier post I made on a venting group. I feel like I'm just being desperate and my mind is just subconsciously feeding my ego.

I don’t know if anyone post here anymore, but I've had no one to talk this about. For a long time I've wanted to be a different person, a completely different personality, but I let it spiral out of control. i punished myself for not acting the way i was supposed to. I've been to therapy but it was always “Trust god!” “Just have faith”. At this point i don’t know who to trust. I myself am not a Christian despite being in a Christian household. for around three years now I’ve been punishing myself for acting incorrectly. Starving, cutting and head impacts. I finally realized that trying to stop my depression only made things worse. but it feels like my mind doesn’t want to feel depressed anymore, almost like its tired if it. Now I've been punishing myself for not being depressed. to be honest its hard to tell what is right and wrong to do. i’ve been trying to discover myself but i’ve only disappointed myself. however I'm constantly under the pressure of a Christian household. honestly i hate myself beyond imaginable. Seeing others hurt makes me want to cry. but yet i feel no sympathy for myself. I wasted every effort and tear given to help me. i let everyone around me down. I had a friend who genuinely cared. but i was I'm idiot who waste efforts. I don’t even know why I'm venting here. forgive me this was all arrogant egotistical of me to write.

Honestly all I feel like I'm just looking for sympathy when I don't deserve it.

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you're not alone. i can't pay attention or bring myself to care anymore.

everything is foggy and numb. i'll bed rot on my off days, sometimes i'll eat or shower but that's been getting hard too. the only constant thing in my life is playing the game, watching tv or youtube, and scrolling through social media. i long for change but do nothing about it because i don't see the point anymore. i'll cry when i can just to remotely feel human but i can't do it most days.

music helps but now i'm getting sick of that and it gives me a headache. i'll eat but feel guilty afterwards. i stopped buying and wearing makeup because it's a waste of time and money when it doesn't even make me look pretty in the slightest.

i'm loosing myself everyday. it's like my thoughts and emotions are disappearing. i feel nothing but i'm also losing patience with humans. i feel myself getting angrier and annoyed every time i hear my family members talk.

unlike u im not around religious ppl who bring it up thinking it's the solution to everything. bc it's not! and i don't know why they can't wrapped their head around it.

the only thing that's making me happy is my boyfriend and stepson. they are literally the highlight of my day. i wish i can see them everyday too.

if u need someone to tlk 2, hit me up. i'm never really doing anything majority of the time. <3

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venting. I feel pointlessly desperate.

Posted by Red

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Reply by shinamororu