Desire to stay depressed

I don’t know if anyone post here anymore, but i’ve had no one to talk this about. For a long time i’ve wanted to be a different person, a completely different personality, but i let it spiral out of control. i punished myself for not acting the way i was supposed to. i’ve been to therapy but it was always “Trust god!” “Just have faith”. At this point i don’t know who to trust. I myself am not a christian despite being in a christian household. for around three years now i’ve been punishing myself for acting incorrectly. Starving, cutting and head impacts. I finally realized that trying to stop my depression only made things worse. but it feels like my mind doesn’t want to feel depressed anymore, almost like its tired if it. Now i’ve been punishing myself for not being depressed. to be honest its hard to tell what is right and wrong to do. i’ve been trying to discover myself but i’ve only disappointed myself. however im constantly under the pressure of a christian household. honestly i hate myself beyond imaginable. Seeing others hurt makes me want to cry. but yet i feel no sympathy for myself. I wasted every effort and tear given to help me. i let everyone around me down. I had a friend who genuinely cared. but i was im idiot who waste efforts. I don’t even know why im venting here. forgive me this was all arrogant egotistical of me to write.