A worn copy of “a catcher in the rye” is spat out of the vending machine.

A glass cup is inserted into the vending machine 

You get a golden straw.

I put in a bucket of popcorn.

I get a pack of unpopped popcorn 

I put in a dirty potato into the vending machine 

You get a bolt of lightning in a glass mason jar.

I put in a dusty old cap that once belonged to Nestor Mahkno.

A paint brush of Ilya Repin rolls out of the vending machine.

A bucket of white paint is put into the vending machine. 

You get a marble statue of Hypatia.

I put in the dirty old toilet my landlord just ripped out of my bathroom.

Marcel Duchamp comes out with the toilet, signs it, and takes it to a museum to be displayed.

I find a dinosaur bone and put it in the vending machine. 

Jeff Goldblum comes out and gives you a brilliant lecture about chaos theory, hubris, and the danger of conducting experiments with magical vending machines.

I put a blue robin egg into the vending machine.

A Red Robin is hatched, flies out and sings "Red Robin, yummmm"

A slice of American cheese is put into the vending machine.

You get The Cow That Jumped Over the Moon in "Hey Diddle, Diddle." She is old and retired now and no longer jumps over things for other people's amusement. But sometimes, when no one is looking, she still makes the leap.

I put in a dirty handkerchief.

The same hankerchief comes back out, but clean and ironed.

A glass of ice cold whole milk is put into the vending machine

You get a bar of swiss chocolate and a glass of chocolate milk.

I exhale hot breath into the vending machine.

A box of altoids come out of the vending machine.

A box of used tooth brushes is put into the vending machine. 

You get a pair of dentures.

I put in an ounce of cannabis.

Snoop Dogg comes out of the vending machine.

I’m putting in a monopoly dollar bill into the vending machine 

You get a document granting you ownership over pretty much all media - print, television, film, etc.

I return an old Blockbuster video cassette to the vending machine.

An empty box of peanut M&M’s drops out of the vending machine.

I put a banana peel into the vending machine.

You get a Curious George doll.

I put in a paper kite.

An actual kite comes out.

I put in an old game boy color in the vending machine. 

You get a unicorn.

I insert a clean pair of Rick and Morty boxer briefs.

An empty can of Mountain Dew that’s dented comes out.

I put in a blank VHS tape in the vending machine. 

You get a thumb drive containing all the home movies of a family you've never met.

I put in an aloe vera plant.

A tube of aloe Vera gel comes out.

I put in a box of chocolates into the vending machine 

You get a bar of mockolate.

I put a jar of Stuart Semple's "Diamond Dust" into the vending machine.

A disco ball made of glitter rolls out of the vending machine

I put in a miniature pony inside the vending machine

You get a bucket of wheat paste.

I put in a book on yoga.

An Instagram influencer walked out of the vending machine. 

I put a cinnamon role in the vending machine.

The vending machine burps, but it smells like cinnamon. You get a personalized thank you card from the vending machine.

I put a robin into the vending machine.

A burger from Red Robin comes out with fries, ketchup and a drink.

I put a singular mini marshmallow in the vending machine

You get The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and four proton packs.

I put in a Himalayan Salt Lamp.

A Himalayan goat springs out of the vending machine.

I put in a map to El Dorado 

All the lost treasure of the Muisca people comes pouring out of the vending machine.

I put in a golden bust of King Midas.

The vending machine turns into gold and spits out gold coins.

Somehow I manage to put a singular tootsie roll into the vending machine 

You get a golden tootsie roll.

I put in an eyelash.

A tube of waterproof mascara comes out.

I put in a can of Coca Cola in the vending machine.

You get a glass of orange juice, three rechargeable 9-volt batteries, and a bucket of industrial solvent that will clean anything. (Just don't spill it on yourself.)

I put some lichen in the vending machine.

some weird fungus mushrooms start growing out of the vending machine.

I am pouring some heavy duty cleaning agents inside the vending machine.

Mr. Clean comes out of the vending machine. You can use him to magically clean any space you want. He will do a perfect job instantly.

I feed the heart of Steve Albini into the vending machine.

A copy of the gub album comes out 

I'm putting in a fluffy cloud 

Pink cotton candy came out of the vending machine.

I’m putting in an old speeding ticket inside the vending machine