Vending Machine

The vending machine plays beautiful music for 3 hours and spits out all the change you've ever given to buskers.

*inserts a toy police car*

*a box of bees comes out*

*inserts a box of chocolates*

*a gallon of milk comes out*

*inserts a gold fish*

*gets a coffee cup* 

LOL I THINK I ACCIDENTSLLY FLIPPED IT 

I insert a vending machine into the vending machine.

A two headed rooster comes out.

I’m putting a $3 bill in the vending machine 

Three fashionably dressed ducks come out. One is wear a leather vest and cap.

I insert an old smartphone battery.

A Nokia comes out, still working, fully charged

I’m putting a dirty sock in the vending machine 

A pterodactyl egg falls out, cracks, and hatches.

The pterodactyl spits into the vending machine.

A toy police car comes out.

A WWE action figure of John Cena is put into the vending machine 

A bonsai tree comes out.

I insert a karate trophy.

Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat comes out.

A plastic bag is inserted into the vending machine.

A dead turtle falls out. :(

I put a roll of peppermints in the vending machine.

And old lady comes out.

A pigeon is inserted into the vending machine. 

An action figure of a homeless person falls out.

Scared, I insert my entire month's rent.

a kitten comes out

I insert an old wooden cuckoo clock

Pinocchio comes out.

I’m putting a dead fly inside the vending machine.

Jeff Goldblum comes out.

I put a mastodon skull in the vending machine.

A plastic dinosaur comes out.

An old laundry machine some how is inserted into the vending machine

Celina's dirty sock from the other day comes out... clean.

I insert all my dirty socks and underwear into the slot.

LOL 

a pack of unopened pair of pants comes out 

A pair of scissors is put into the vending machine 

Blood comes out of the vending machine.

I insert a box of sesame street bandaids.

(I should've thought this through; now I've got no socks or underwear and way too many pants.)

Elmo and Rocko comes out of the vending machine 

Big Bird and Barney The Purple Dinosaur is put into the vending machine 

Several brown paper bags filled with greasy hamburgers comes out. There is horsey sauce in the bags.

I put Santa's sack in the vending machine.

Krampus comes limping out

The tooth fairy flies into the vending machine 

Tinkerbell flies out. Not enough people clap or say they believe in Fairies. She perishes.

I have a small tasteful ceremony, and, weeping, feed Tinkerbell's little corpse back into the slot. It spits her body out, pulls it back in, spits it out, pulls it back in, and finally accepts it.

The vending machine spits out the sparkles that help Tinker Bell fly, bits and pieces of her green dress can be seen on the ground.

Captain Hook’s hook is slid into the vending machine. 

A red feather boa comes out.

I insert Freddie Mercury's leather pants.

Brian May’s astrophysics degree comes out 

Nickleback’s Grammy goes into the vending machine 

A vial of Kurt Cobain's cryogenically preserved tears and a lock of his hair comes out.

I insert a glowing meteor rock containing fragments of element 115.

A sample of kryptonite comes out.

Super Man’s speedo is put into the vending machine  

The meaning of life falls out, etched on parchment in caligraphy. It's written in Japanese. I do not read Japanese.

I stick it back in the machine.

A fortune cookie comes out. The fortune says that your lucky number is 83.

I stick the empty fortune cookie back into the vending machine 

The number 82 falls out, made of heavy wrought iron, and lands on my toe. Ow! Darn. So close.

I insert an ornate brass key into the vending machine.

A gold key falls out of the vending machine from the alchemy shelf of the vending machine.

A purple cherry is put into the vending machine. 

The yummiest purple cherry cheesecake anyone has ever tasted comes out.

I put a Canadian quarter in the vending machine.

a gallon of maple syrup comes out 

a gallon of butter is poured into the vending machine

Two plates of hot pancakes come out.

I insert a painting by Robyn Lightwalker.

A blank canvas comes out and a check for $3200 is missing.

An empty piggy bank is put into the vending machine. 

Bacon and sausages come out.

A pair of groucho glasses goes in.

A pair of contact lenses and lenses cleaning solution rolls out of the vending machine 

A crisp $100 bill is put into the vending machine 

A walrus comes out.

I insert a pound of microplastics.

A a fish made from recycled microplastics flops out of the vending machine.

A deck of playing cards is put into the vending machine. 

Jack Nicholson's Joker comes out, but he has Mark Hamill's voice.

I insert a batmobile. Not a toy. An actual batmobile. The one from Batman (1989).

Michael Keaton walks out of the vending machine, out of costume, but still acts like Batman.

A vending machine is put into the vending machine. 

A human baby comes out of the vending machine, crying. I cut the umbilical cord, spank it, and hand it off, wailing, filthy, and urinating, to someone who looks interested in parenting.

I insert a box of condoms into the vending machine (too little, too late).

a box of female condoms is spat out of the vending machine. They're near expiration, which is in 3 days.

A golden goose and 5 rings in inserted into the vending machine.

A box of old vintage Christmas lights comes out.

I insert a ratty old guitar pick, chewed up from use.

Ozzy Osborne's left nut rolls out of the vending machine

a hockey puck is inserted into the vending machine