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idk how to explain how things r at the moment bcz i cant tell how i feel. when i’m around my favourite person or my friends i usually feel so excited and woosh yk. at home it’s a lot harder to be like that bcz i’m not particularly comfortable with family life and how they all treat me so it causes a lot of breakdowns but counselling helps a little bit. the atmosphere is so tense tho and now i don’t feel safe in my own home i feel like i have no privacy to do shit and it’s leading into bad habits even tho i’m only 14. this includes things like drinking, vaping, SH, attempting suicide wayyy more frequently and constant breakdowns. i don’t know how much more i can take especially with all the added tension from my parents and it’s just making me wonder how much would the world change if i died, would people actually miss me or just say they would? i don’t think peoples lives would differ if i weren’t in it and if anything i’d be doing everyone a favour bcz lots of people hate me and all the people i love dont love me they just say they do i know they don’t mean it. it just causes more overthinking and i cant read many social cues either which makes it even harder to keep friends and i feel bad. i just want to push everyone away but then they’ll all hate me more and then the cuts on my arms will duplicate and the attempts will become more frequent. i know they don’t love me and it’s just a lie to make me feel better it’s impossible to love me, i’m in constant need of attention, obsessive, jealous, suicidal, insecure and a major overthinker. i just love him so much i don’t know what to do with myself, i know this might sound attention seeking but i gen don’t know how i would live in a world knowing he’s not in it, he’s the main reason why i’m not dead yet i’m jsut hoping to have a future with him some day. i’m hoping that if i actually make it past my teenage years i’ll have a cleaner life and be able to sort myself out but things r just getting harder and harder. i want to leave home, i want to leave everyone bcz ik that some of them shit talk me anyways and i cant deal with anything at the moment. i just want to be happy and live my life like nothings wrong but unfortunately i can’t bcz i’m bleeding a fuck ton from my thighs and arms and i want to run in front of a car. if u read this i’m sorry and thanks for reading ig have a nice day x
from ryn 🫶
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