What is your gender?
Male
What are your pronouns?
He/Him
When did you first realise you were trans?
Roughly 18 years old. I was a little late in realizing.
Did you change your name?
Yes, but not legally yet. It is a very long and tedious process to do it in the United States.
Are you out to your family?
Yes.
Are you out to your friends?
Also yes.
What did they think of your coming out (if applicable)?
My family hated it at first. My parents told me to "quit the trans bullshit or get the fuck out", so I just count that as being kicked out since I couldn't really just go back into the closet. They thought I was brainwashed by my abusive ex into thinking I was trans cause I "showed no signs" when I was a kid. I ended up being homeless and couch hopping in a totally different state with my abuser for years, almost died many times. My extended family would send me Facebook messages telling me that Satan had possessed me and was influencing me down a horrible path and to stop taking "trans pills" (I am FTM btw!!!). My parents cut me off of their health insurance so I wouldn't use it to access gender affirming care with it. It was horrible. For some reason out of nowhere...my parents came around. Now they want to be in my life and they are trying to respect my transition. At least my dad is. I don't know what happened but they're getting a lot better about things.
On the other hand, my friends have all been super accepting of me since the beginning. I was blessed to have their support during the years of abuse and harassment from my family. I probably would be dead if I didn't have them.
Do you have trans friends?
Most of my friends fall under the trans umbrella. I feel safer around other trans people because they understand what it is like to live as a trans person in a heternormative society. Most cis people cannot relate to that experience unless they're GNC. Hell, my boss at work is a trans man.
Did your sexuality change when you came out?
No, I always identified as panromantic asexual.
Did/Do you take hormones?
I do! I have been taking IM Testosterone shots since 2018, and just last month, I switched over to subcutaneous injections because of my fear of needles. It was so bad that I would miss doses to the point I would stop taking my HRT all together. The subcutaneous pen injections are a game changer cause I don't feel the injection at all!
Do you have penis envy?
Like bottom dysphoria? Kinda, but it isn't super strong. I just hate thinking about the fact that I have a vagina moreso not having a penis. I don't know if that makes sense. It's not because of misogyny or anything, there is a genuine disconnect to my sex anatomy. Would it be nice to have a dick? Yeah, but I don't feel the need to get bottom surgery. At least not at this time.
Do you plan on medically transitioning?
I already am medically transitioning. I have been on HRT for six years. Someday I would like to get top surgery as well.
Upon transitioning, did you notice a difference in the way society/the public treats you (if applicable)?
Absolutely. Since my HRT has been inconsistent over the years, I appear more androgynous, so people still clock me as female which sucks. Those who did know often assumed that I am trans due to trauma (not the case). They assume I went through some kind of sexual abuse as a child (I did not). I get blatantly misgendered. I fear using public bathrooms, if I use the men's room, I am afraid I will get harassed. I am afraid to use the women's room cause I fear someone will think I am MTF and assume I am in there to prey on women. I get treated as mentally ill based on being trans alone. Or that my actual mental illnesses are the reason WHY I am trans (it is NOT). I sometimes get infantilized like I am just some lost and confused girl. People that I thought I could trust would tell other people that I am trans without my permission. I have to be stealth to avoid transphobia, so I just pretend I am a cis man with a hormonal disorder. I live in a very protestant right wing town in rural Missouri. People are extremely ignorant or just straight up bigoted. I avoid the public as much as I can for my own safety.
Do you have any trans headcanons or idols?
I don't really have any idols...or headcanons, i don't really consume much fictional media. But I do enjoy content made by trans people. Like the YouTuber Dead Domain (they're non-binary) or Alexander Avila (trans man). Or trans musicians, like Jade, the trans vocalist of the metalcore band Lacerated. Or Connie Sgarbossa, the trans vocalist of metalcore/hardcore band seeyouspacecowboy. I love Gerard Way and Davey Havok, both were extremely GNC and LGBTQ+ advocates.
Who gives you the most gender envy?
Myspace emo boys. Randy Romance, Brandon Killen, Adeon Angelic, Michael Macabre, Rudy Muerte, Shawn Milke...hell even old photos of Andy SIxx, even though I do not like him as a person.
Any tips for passing?
I don't want to tell people to pass when they don't feel the need to. If they want to be GNC, they're still valid. But for those who WISH to look more masculine...don't wear your pants high waist. that will make you look curvier. Avoid super tight shirts. Try to wear baggier pants, nothing super form fitting. Be mindful of your mannerisms, the cadence of your speech, and the way you stand. Don't shave your arms, legs, or armpits. Keep your hair cut short, make sure bangs don't go past lips. (No longer than nose is best option.) Sideburns are also quite masculinizing. With luck, people will assume you're a teenage boy pre-HRT. If you can afford it, try using contour makeup too!
Do you wish you were never born trans?
I used to wish I was cis a lot when I was younger. I went through a really bad transmed phase as a late teen/young adult that I deeply regret. While being trans in a non-accepting society isn't fun at all, being trans has given me a unique perspective that I would not have as a cis person. It made me more attune to social causes and more empathetic to the causes of other targeted marginalized groups. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being trans. It's society not offering acceptance and accommodations for us, they're refusal to allow us to liberate our community...that's the problem. I no longer wish to assimilate. I love ALL of my trans siblings, yes even those who identify as xenogenders and use neopronouns. Them expressing themselves aren't causing the harm, it is the transphobic legislation that are the real harm. I turned my sights towards fighting THEM, the ones actually causing tangible harm and using those who are expressing their identities in unconventional ways as scapegoats. I love that I am trans. It is a core part of who I am. It is something that cannot be changed about me. People are gonna have to suck it up and accept that. I am just trying to live my best life as my authentic self. I am not free until ALL trans people are free.