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my emotional turmoil plz help

earth angel's profile picture

Posted by earth angel

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my friendships all have an expiration date and my thoughts and feelings will forever remain inside my head. every relationship i have is congested with both distance and codependency. it's like the hedgehog's dilemma. i ghost people a lot.

it’s not like i can ever stop thinking about the people i love. they’re on my mind everyday, i’m constantly wondering about them and asking myself how they’re feeling and they essentially become this ghost that’s always there – but i’m still incapable of sending a text, of being a constant in their lives; not until i’m ready, which can take a long fucking time. and no matter what i do, there’s always this feeling that i have to run away; especially when i’m first getting close to someone, when we’re getting attached to each other. i always want to leave and isolate myself but when i do that it pains me to the point where i feel debilitated from thinking about anything else than the people i ran away from

it’s hard for me to stay in the present, because even if i do feel very connected to humanity as a whole and crave bonds with others just as much as any other human being, i'm just too used to self-isolation and dealing with everything on my own and staying inside my head when anything disruptive happens on the outside world. 



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Woahmeatball's profile picture

Reply by Woahmeatball

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Just think "whatever happens happens"


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Naomi's profile picture

Reply by Naomi

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Hey, this post is a bit old, but I would like to say that it must be very hard to feel that way. Have you looked into CPTSD? I'm only mentioning it because a lot of the symptoms align, like feeling the urge to run away from relationships while desperately craving them. This sort of disorganized attachment may stem from, for example, parents or others you depended on who were unpredictable in their emotions. It's like, you want to love them, but you can't fully trust them. It must be really difficult for you to carry these feelings, and I hope you have the opportunity to talk to someone about this who you know you can fully trust and who is able to validate and support your emotions. If you're unsure about the person, maybe don't share, because being invalidated about things that are very important to you can be traumatic in itself.

It's okay to feel this way. If you have had bad experiences with people in the past, it's reasonable that you have these strategies of ghosting, fleeing, and isolating. Those are your body's survival mechanisms, and they have served you, trying to protect you from harm.

If you're still in a difficult relationship, don't try to undo these responses yet, focus on getting out of the relationship first. You can still manage your symptoms through different methods, like inner child work, recognizing core beliefs that may influence your actions (ex: "I am unlovable"), and naming thoughts. Once out of the relationship, you can slowly let your guard down.

CPTSD can come in many forms, and if you want to know if you may have CPTSD, I'll leave a link to a youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBpF8sWycQQ&list=PLfbhcF8ngjAHfFcNukJ4adDBEe-EqEaCF&index=14

Wish you well ️


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